Letting the Chips Fall Where They May for My Teenage Daughter...

I have found that as I grow older, I become wiser. Most people do. Yes, it's a strange statement to make but I'm not sure I mean it in the way you're probably thinking. For me, it means a lot has left the wishy-washy arena and entered into the reality of black and white. Or, it either is or it isn't. And even, it is what it is. For me, there's very little sitting on the fence anymore.

Part of this is because I'm smarter with age and the other part is because I lack patience but in a good way. Okay, truth be told, I lack patience in the not so good way too but for this conversation, I mean it in a good way.

Sitting on the fence and seeing things outside of the arena of black and white means there are too many feelings involved in whatever it is I'm dealing with. Frankly, unless the feelings are mine, I don't particularly always want to deal with them nor do I always give a crap about them either. Hey, I never said I was sensitive! Seriously though, think of it this way...you're either pro-choice or pro-life. You can't be one until your teenage daughter gets pregnant and then change sides. If you do, you've fooled yourself for all those years thinking you were the other when actually, you really weren't. If you choose neither side it's because you're either waiting for that possibility and 'just in case' something happens, you don't want to be called a hypocrite or stand up for something...emotions, if you ask me.

Lately we've been struggling with one of our daughters. She's a wonderful child and has a heart made of gold. She, however, makes a conscious decision to take the easiest road in every aspect of her life and sadly, most of the time it gets her nowhere except maybe two steps back. She's currently doing poorly in school and instead of owning up to the facts, she finds excuses and reasons and blame and flat out lies. She's lied so much over the past few months I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know she's lying. About everything and anything. She is the queen of telling you what she thinks you want to hear and dealing with the consequences later.

For years we've dealt with issues with this child and this year the light bulb went off over my head. I realized there's nothing wrong with her (yes, she's been to doctors, therapists, on meds, diet controlled, etc.). She simply is that kid that doesn't give a crap. About much of anything. I realized that all of the consequences in the world I can give her will do nothing...have done nothing. Except of course, make the rest of us miserable.

We've spent night after night in emotional meltdown hell for hours on end to no avail. Nothing works. We've taken away privileges and rewarded for good behavior and done everything every book out there says. One Two Three Magic is a farce, by the way but don't get me started on that book. Nothing has worked and it doesn't matter how much we try, she continues to lie to our faces, even when the proof is right there in front of her. She continues to not do what she's supposed to do and finds ways, when caught, to make it someone Else's fault.

I'm tired of dealing with the emotions and the lies and the stress. I'm tired of my family having to accommodate her emotional sensitivities and I'm tired of our lives being disrupted daily because she chooses to do what she does. If you don't do homework, you won't pass a class. If you don't pay your cell phone bill, you don't get your cell phone, etc.

I finally realized that nothing we do makes any difference so everything we do just makes the situation worse. With that light bulb, I've decided to do nothing. I'm not arguing. I'm not encouraging. I'm not babysitting. I'm not suggesting, reminding, supporting, defining, catching, watching, asking, proving. I'm simply letting her make her own decisions and letting the chips fall as they may.

After all, it is what it is. (See how I finally tied that first paragraph or two into this blog?)

I can continue to be frustrated and do all that I've done or I can let natural consequences take their course. It seems to me if anything is going to work, it's not going to with the veil of protection a parent provides when trying to stop their child from failing. Instead, I'm going to let her fail. She has to learn that the world doesn't bend for us, we have to bend for it and the only way she's going to learn that is if we step back and let the world works its magic.

I would much rather my daughter learn this now then when she's 22 and trying our the world on her own for the first time.

Will this work? I don't know. It may not. Odds are it probably won't. It could be very likely that this child is the one who we define success by when she gets a full time job at the grocery store and can afford a small studio apartment. Can she do better? Certainly. She's smart. She's just lazy. Does she want better? Absolutely. She just wants everyone else to do the work for her.

Things are much more pleasant around our house right now. I'm not pushing. She's not pushing back. She's still lying about the few things I do call her out on (because some of them are necessary) but she knows it's all up to her now. She's out of district at her high school and the principal has told her that if she doesn't improve her grades, she's going back to the other school where she knows no one. I've also told her that she has to bring her grades up. I've explained that if she chooses not to, then she will definitely go to the other school (in case the principal caves) because I will not drive and pick her up every day if she is not going to live up to her end of the bargain.

Relationships are a give and take and it's time she starts doing some of the giving and does the right thing.

It's black and white to me. She is either going to do it or she's not. She doesn't have a learning disability. She's got all of the tools she needs to succeed but she chooses not to use them. Had she turned in her homework, she would not be failing one of her classes but she didn't do any of the assignments. She is capable and has to make the decision on her own. If this means she spends an extra year in HS then she'll have to do that but she will also be paying us rent. She gets four years in HS like the other two in our house. If she can't finish in that time frame then she's responsible for supporting herself and contributing to this home.

Life is hard. She'll figure that out eventually. But I can't be wishy-washy about it and continue to be emotional. Instead, I'm on my side of the fence...the side that practices tough love and lets her learn from her mistakes, even those that are going to impact her future long term is she makes them. Nothing else has worked and it now simply is what it is.

The 100 Things in 100 Days is OUTTA HERE!

But not because I don't WANT to do it. Because I've thought and thought and thought and decided I'm right...it's too much, too soon and some of the things I want to do won't be possible in a day. Instead, I'm doing 100 things in 1 year. I can't do the 100 things in 1001 days because frankly, that's too long and I'll lose my umph. Not that I even have my umph yet but I'm hoping to either acquire some or buy some at the umph store today. I really need the umph.

I'm also thinking that I need a theme for this. A "stepping out of my comfort zone" thing or a "what the hell am I thinking" theme. I'm working on that. I could do a simple, "100 things to do to torture my children in 1 year" theme but that wouldn't be nice. Fun, but not nice. So I'm working on the theme and working on the things and my goal is to have them done by the end of the week.

On a similar note...I've spent the last few months taking care of my mom and really thinking about her life. The person she was, the person I saw and the person I wanted her to be. It's taught me a lot and damn if I didn't get the chance to tell her before she passed. I wanted to but I didn't want her to be sad. I did tell her many things and some things I didn't need to because she just knew. We were close and though she was a far better person than I can ever hope to be, she thought I was okay and saw the good in me even when I was a royal bitch.

My mother lived her life FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Her parents. Her husband. Her children. Her grandchildren. She moved to GA to help me with my kids so I could work when she was in her late 60's. In 2001 she had routine open heart surgery to replace her mitro-valve and stroked. Her life changed completely. So my mother spent HER WHOLE LIFE taking care of others and doing things for other people. She truly never had any free time to do what she wanted without the responsibility of others. At the point of her stroke she was helping me and then 9 years later she died and she never got the chance to just live her life for herself. That breaks my heart.

I've been thinking about that. In some ways, I've sort of done that since getting married. I gave up my career shortly after her stroke because of 911 - I felt uncomfortable traveling while my husband was doing the same. I stayed home and became a full time mom. I've been 'waiting' for my kids to grow up. Waiting until they could stay home alone and then maybe I could take some time for me. Then with my mother needing me, I waited more. Now my kids are older but I haven't felt like I can stop waiting because the girls are teenagers and they almost need me more even though they don't see it that way. Also, my husband has had a great career and I have been waiting until it is set and then I can do for me. Now his career has shifted and he's started his own business so alas, I wait again.

I don't want to wait and wait until I am dead and can't do what's right for me. I'm not as selfless as my mother. I don't like waiting. And the problem is, I've become so accustomed to it, so BORED, that I really don't feel like I want to do anything.

So that's the reason for the 100 things in 1 year.

Here's where you insert the shit to another subject:

I just purchased a DVD for T Tapping. It's "a total body workout that can deliver major inch-loss quickly". My sister in law swears by it. She said she lost 1 inch on her butt last week. I could do cardio and weights for 24 hours a day for a year and not do that. So the DVD is $20 right now and I bought it. I'll have it in 8 days (shipping is like snail mail with UPS these days unless you pay out the wazoo). I'm going to do it. It's 15 minutes a day and since I'm bored and waiting, 15 minutes shouldn't break my time bank, right? Just something to add to my weight loss program that really should be considered a weight gain program.

Apparently I have to (eeks!) MEASURE MY BODY before I start and then measure again in a week. I'm worried that the first measuring will send me into a major depression and I'll eat myself to my death but I'm going to hide myself in my bathroom, measure and then cry until I can't cry any more and then T Tap. For those of you hundreds of people who read this silly blog (not!) the website is http://www.t-tapp.com/

I have to figure out how to link on this thing.

Okay. So that's where I'm at. I've got to run now and figure out what to put on my list and what theme to go with. Wish me luck. I need it!

About Being Uninspired...

I feel uninspired. Yes, my mother just passed and probably my uninspiredness has something to do with that but mostly its about me. I've felt uninspired for months now...maybe even years. I've felt a lack of creativity and desire. I feel like I've been waiting. For what? Beats the heck out of me. I've been waiting for the kids to be old enough to take care of themselves enough so I can 'do for me'...they're old enough now but now I'm even less willing to 'do for me' because I'm afraid to leave them alone since they're able to make decisions for themselves. That's they're fault though since their decisions are usually stupid. Then I was waiting for my mom to die. Now I'm waiting for my husbands business to get moving.

Pretty soon it'll be me that's dead and then then it will be too late to do anything.

What exactly am I REALLY waiting for?

My very wonderful friend Genevieve (AKA, WT but that's another post)suggested I read "Julie & Julia." I had planned to prior to seeing the movie and just picked up the book today. I haven't even started it but it got me thinking that whole "If she can, I can" thing. If she can cook a recipe a day, then why can't I? Well, probably because I have no desire to cook for starters. Secondly, I suck at cooking. but maybe, just maybe there's something else I can do. Something that will force me to get out of whatever slump I feel trapped in and allow me to gain some inspiration. I think the book/movie is based on a year and while I can respect her motivation and drive, a year in the life of Carolyn is a LONG FREAKING TIME and I'm not sure I can commit to that type of inspiration just yet. It's baby steps people, baby steps.

So here's my deal. I've decided that I'm going to try that whole, 100 things in 100 days. Of course it will probably take me a year to think of 100 things to do but it's a start, right? :)

Seriously, my thought is that I'll document 100 things, create a start and end date and just do them. Each time I do one, I'll post my thoughts, comments, frustrations, etc. on my blog and then some famous book publisher will read them, contract me to write a bestseller and then sell the movie rights and I'll be rich. Okay, maybe that last part is just a pipe dream but at least I'm working towards a goal, right?

Tonight I'm going to think up my 100 things. Some will be easy. Some will be challenging. Some will be nostalgic. Some new, some silly, some stupid. Some scary, some a royal pain in the ass. But I will do them and I'm hopeful there will be something I can find from them that will inspire, motivate and help make me feel like me again.

If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions as to WHAT I can put on the list, please let me know. For now I must search the Internet and find things to do.

Take care of you and as my friend Katrina says, be particular.

Parenting has Become a Joke.

Today I read a syndicated column in the AJC. I don't typically read the AJC however it was on the table at Starbucks and I thought I'd pass the time while enjoying the extra whipped cream on my mocha. Yum, I get a craving just mentioning the words. Oh, sorry. Back on track.

The column is a parenting column written by some psychologist or something or other named Rosemond. I went to his website (www.rosemond.com) because I felt a pressing need to respond to his column. I couldn't. What a bummer. Instead, I'll respond here.

This weeks column was about dinner. The concept of dinner is that the parent makes a meal for all family members to eat and all family members eat it. He goes on to say that many people feed their children different things for one reason or another. One woman apparently feeds her kid hot dogs or something because the meal she makes everyone else gives him reflux. Rosemond's response was to feed the kid what everyone else gets and put a basket next to him. When he's done throwing up, make him start eating the regular meal again.

I almost peed on myself when I read this.

I guess I'm old school. Maybe it's my type A personality. I'm not sure which but I do not believe that kids should be given everything and catered to. We eat what I make and if you don't like it, fine but don't expect anything else. There are a few things that I do that my kids, especially my teenagers, think make me a terribly cruel parent. I'm hopeful someday they'll see it differently.

Here's the terrible things I do to my children:
1. I make them do chores every day. They clean the kitchen up in the morning and evening. They also feed the animals. On the weekends they have a few other chores like dusting, cleaning their bathroom, emptying cat liter, etc. And the hook, I DO NOT GIVE THEM AN ALLOWANCE. Each member of this family is responsible for maintaining the integrity and cleanliness of this home. Everyone must do their part to contribute. I don't get an allowance for cleaning and frankly, why should they? They can receive an allowance for chores over and above their regular ones but often do not want to do that. They expect to be paid because they're friends receive money for doing nothing. I've suggested if they want things that way to sit down with those parents and see if they can adopt them.

2. I make my daughters (my son is only 10, he will start at 13) do their own laundry - once a week. How dare me.

3. I make my daughters pay for their cell phones. My 15 year old hasn't had the money (she doesn't babysit but that's an entirely different blog post for a later date)so instead of paying with cash, she pays with extra chores. She had the phone, free of charge for over 3 years and is paying for that. Right now she has the phone only when she leaves the house and she hates it. Our 17 year old has full access to her phone now - we used to take it away at night but since she's got a 3.8 GPA we decided she can have it all night but if her grades drop, it's ours after 10 PM. She has paid $22 a month for that phone since she got it in 7Th grade. Our son has a phone he does not pay for. He doesn't use it to call his friends. He doesn't text. He takes it with him when he's in the neighborhood so he has it to call me and tell me when he's going to someone else's house. He does it. I can call him on it and he answers. I'm not looking forward to the day that stops. Of course both girls feel this is unfair because they didn't have a phone at 10 and I continue to tell them they rarely left the house thus not requiring the need. My son walks in the door from school or wakes up in the summer and is usually gone until 6 PM. That phone is for MY personal comfort, not his.

3. I have a annual budget for clothing. Each kid gets a specific amount in the fall and spring. They can pick their own clothes but I don't go over that amount. One year for school my oldest spent $500 on one shirt, 2 pairs of jeans and two pairs of shoes. After she started working, she stopped buying such expensive clothes and realized the value of designer isn't all it's cracked up to be.

4. My children are required to put HALF of any money they get into savings FOR COLLEGE, not for ANYTHING else. My oldest works and each paycheck gets split in half. Oh, by the way, her cell phone bill and the car insurance she pays come out of her half as does the gas for the car she drives.

5. There are no TV's in our kids rooms.

6. "Because I said so" is a perfectly good explanation in my house and if they don't like it, that's just too bad.

7. We have a car that my daughter drives (mostly because she works until 11:30 at night and I don't want to pick her up) but she pays her gas. She also doesn't get up and leave when she wants and first must ask to use the car. She hates it but such is life. It's not a BMW. It's not a Volvo. It's a 2002 Mazda Tribute. She told me any car we got her "had to have a CD player because she needs one" and I must admit, I looked hard to find a car without one just because I thought that was pathetic. Sadly, they rarely make them without them anymore. She thinks it's wrong that she has to pay for her insurance coverage too.

8. We actually DO read our kids emails and text messages. We have a computer for our oldest and we just took off the parental controls so she could get a Facebook page. The other two use my computer when they need to and are not allowed to do so without my permission...it's password protected. My 15 year old wants a myspace and a Facebook page but has neither.

9. Our kids are actually paying for their college...we will pay part of it.


This is just some of the things that we do. I'm told by my kids how cruel we are and how no one else has any rules and while that may be true for some, I think it might be a slight exaggeration.

People believe they should be friends with their kids. It's not my job to be my child's friend. My job is to raise them in a healthy and secure manner, allowing them the opportunity to succeed in their lives and get the heck out of my house. I am required to keep them as safe as possible and make decisions for them they may not be able to make for themselves. I am not required to do whatever they want because they think I should nor am I required to keep up with the Joneses.

I truly believe that parents who overindulge their kids are doing a disservice to their children and in the long run, it will come back to bite them in the butt.

This is of course, just my opinion. I welcome yours.

Summer Uses for Duct Tape When You Have Annoying Teens

I love duct tape. I saw a commercial recently where a man tries to duct tape his abs. My thought? Not a bad idea actually. It's less expensive than Spanx though probably harder to remove. My rolls of duct tape stored in their secret hiding place need not worry, I have big plans for them. Big plans.

School's been out for three weeks. Three long, agonizing weeks. Three long weeks of "I want", "You have to", "Why can't I", "That's not fair", "But everyone else gets to" and the infamous, "I promise I'll do my chores when I get back." Toss in a few thousand whines, demands, additional complaints of unfairness, several million eye rolls and twice as many tears and you've stepped into the Aspenson family home.

Shoot me now. Please. I will love you for it.

I've suggested to our county the concept of the 12 month school year but for now, it's a no go. Instead, I've had to think of creative ways to make it through this long, hot summer. This is where the duct tape comes in.

Now maybe you think I'm cruel. If you do, you probably have young kids who are still cute and fun to be around or you're a grandparent who has somehow forgotten that raising teenagers is like being pecked to death by a hen or maybe you just don't have any kids. If your the last, don't worry, your time will come. Hopefully.

Here's what I've come up with so far to make my life easier and fullfill the dream of my duct tape having an exciting life rather than spend eternity stuffed in a secret hiding place.

1. Duct tape them to the couch, keep the TV on Public Television or a religious station and put the remotes on the other side of the room.
2. Duct tape their eyes open and promise that if they try to remove it, their lids will come off (they're still naive enough to think it might actually happen).
3. Wake them up at 3 AM, duct tape them to the wall and sing Christmas carols to them all day long.
4. Duct tape their game controllers with rolls and rolls of tape and watch them cry because it's taking so long to remove and they want to play video games NOW!
5. Duct tape their nose to their sweaty socks they continually leave all over my family room. Then tape their hands so they can't remove it.
6. Remove all noise creators from their room and duct tape a continual recording of their whining to the outside of their bedroom door, change the handle to lock on the outside and keep it locked for the afternoon.
7. Duct tape them to something, anything, at their grandparents house and force them to listen to stories about "When I was your age" from their grandparents.
8. If you have a boy teenager, duct tape their pants at their waist, where they belong.
9. If you have a girl, duct tape the visible parts of her butt cheeks and upper thighs so the rest of the world can live in peace.
10. Duct tape a backpack full of 100 pounds of rocks onto their back and force them to walk around with it all day while you explain that this is what it feels like to care for a teenager.
11. Duct tape them to the wall next to the cat liter box just because you can.

I'm sure I've got more ideas but for now, I think these are winners! If you have any suggestions, please let me know.