Letting the Chips Fall Where They May for My Teenage Daughter...

I have found that as I grow older, I become wiser. Most people do. Yes, it's a strange statement to make but I'm not sure I mean it in the way you're probably thinking. For me, it means a lot has left the wishy-washy arena and entered into the reality of black and white. Or, it either is or it isn't. And even, it is what it is. For me, there's very little sitting on the fence anymore.

Part of this is because I'm smarter with age and the other part is because I lack patience but in a good way. Okay, truth be told, I lack patience in the not so good way too but for this conversation, I mean it in a good way.

Sitting on the fence and seeing things outside of the arena of black and white means there are too many feelings involved in whatever it is I'm dealing with. Frankly, unless the feelings are mine, I don't particularly always want to deal with them nor do I always give a crap about them either. Hey, I never said I was sensitive! Seriously though, think of it this way...you're either pro-choice or pro-life. You can't be one until your teenage daughter gets pregnant and then change sides. If you do, you've fooled yourself for all those years thinking you were the other when actually, you really weren't. If you choose neither side it's because you're either waiting for that possibility and 'just in case' something happens, you don't want to be called a hypocrite or stand up for something...emotions, if you ask me.

Lately we've been struggling with one of our daughters. She's a wonderful child and has a heart made of gold. She, however, makes a conscious decision to take the easiest road in every aspect of her life and sadly, most of the time it gets her nowhere except maybe two steps back. She's currently doing poorly in school and instead of owning up to the facts, she finds excuses and reasons and blame and flat out lies. She's lied so much over the past few months I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know she's lying. About everything and anything. She is the queen of telling you what she thinks you want to hear and dealing with the consequences later.

For years we've dealt with issues with this child and this year the light bulb went off over my head. I realized there's nothing wrong with her (yes, she's been to doctors, therapists, on meds, diet controlled, etc.). She simply is that kid that doesn't give a crap. About much of anything. I realized that all of the consequences in the world I can give her will do nothing...have done nothing. Except of course, make the rest of us miserable.

We've spent night after night in emotional meltdown hell for hours on end to no avail. Nothing works. We've taken away privileges and rewarded for good behavior and done everything every book out there says. One Two Three Magic is a farce, by the way but don't get me started on that book. Nothing has worked and it doesn't matter how much we try, she continues to lie to our faces, even when the proof is right there in front of her. She continues to not do what she's supposed to do and finds ways, when caught, to make it someone Else's fault.

I'm tired of dealing with the emotions and the lies and the stress. I'm tired of my family having to accommodate her emotional sensitivities and I'm tired of our lives being disrupted daily because she chooses to do what she does. If you don't do homework, you won't pass a class. If you don't pay your cell phone bill, you don't get your cell phone, etc.

I finally realized that nothing we do makes any difference so everything we do just makes the situation worse. With that light bulb, I've decided to do nothing. I'm not arguing. I'm not encouraging. I'm not babysitting. I'm not suggesting, reminding, supporting, defining, catching, watching, asking, proving. I'm simply letting her make her own decisions and letting the chips fall as they may.

After all, it is what it is. (See how I finally tied that first paragraph or two into this blog?)

I can continue to be frustrated and do all that I've done or I can let natural consequences take their course. It seems to me if anything is going to work, it's not going to with the veil of protection a parent provides when trying to stop their child from failing. Instead, I'm going to let her fail. She has to learn that the world doesn't bend for us, we have to bend for it and the only way she's going to learn that is if we step back and let the world works its magic.

I would much rather my daughter learn this now then when she's 22 and trying our the world on her own for the first time.

Will this work? I don't know. It may not. Odds are it probably won't. It could be very likely that this child is the one who we define success by when she gets a full time job at the grocery store and can afford a small studio apartment. Can she do better? Certainly. She's smart. She's just lazy. Does she want better? Absolutely. She just wants everyone else to do the work for her.

Things are much more pleasant around our house right now. I'm not pushing. She's not pushing back. She's still lying about the few things I do call her out on (because some of them are necessary) but she knows it's all up to her now. She's out of district at her high school and the principal has told her that if she doesn't improve her grades, she's going back to the other school where she knows no one. I've also told her that she has to bring her grades up. I've explained that if she chooses not to, then she will definitely go to the other school (in case the principal caves) because I will not drive and pick her up every day if she is not going to live up to her end of the bargain.

Relationships are a give and take and it's time she starts doing some of the giving and does the right thing.

It's black and white to me. She is either going to do it or she's not. She doesn't have a learning disability. She's got all of the tools she needs to succeed but she chooses not to use them. Had she turned in her homework, she would not be failing one of her classes but she didn't do any of the assignments. She is capable and has to make the decision on her own. If this means she spends an extra year in HS then she'll have to do that but she will also be paying us rent. She gets four years in HS like the other two in our house. If she can't finish in that time frame then she's responsible for supporting herself and contributing to this home.

Life is hard. She'll figure that out eventually. But I can't be wishy-washy about it and continue to be emotional. Instead, I'm on my side of the fence...the side that practices tough love and lets her learn from her mistakes, even those that are going to impact her future long term is she makes them. Nothing else has worked and it now simply is what it is.