The Art of Contemplation...

Lately I’ve been sitting on my couch (bed, chair, toilet, whatever…) contemplating my life. Between of course, the kids fighting or whining at me or the dogs wanting to go out or come in. No, I’ve not given the whole “What should I do with my life?” thing a lot of continuous thought because I’m just plain busy. I’m a forty-something year old wife and mother but I like to call myself an Executive Charwoman, which is real life English is a professional servant. Some people would say I don’t need to contemplate my life. I have a life that’s just fine. I have a bang-up great guy for a husband and three kids who, when they aren’t driving me crazy are equally ‘da bomb’. I live in American suburbia; drive my Volvo and lunch with my friends on a regular basis…after I’ve finished my daily workout at the health club, that is. Yes, I have the life. What’s there to contemplate? Ha! I bet all of you Executive Chairwomen reading this are nodding your head, thinking the same thing that I’m thinking. There’s got to be more to life than this.

It’s not that I’m unhappy. Well, maybe for a few days out of the month (the same days I often tell my husband I want a divorce). But the fact of the matter is, I’m happy. Happiness isn’t my issue. Content on the other hand…content poses a bit of a problem. The angel of contentment has been floating around my life like a lightening bug. I try and try to catch her and when I think I’ve got her trapped in my hands, I open them up and she’s not there. She’s simply out of reach. Personally, I think she’s mocking me. Flying around in clear view sticking her tongue out and laughing. “You can’t have me! You can’t have me!” I mean, come on! How rude is that?

So today I’m sitting at Starbucks (something else most Executive Charwomen do) listening to a very attractive woman give me her network marketing spiel, telling me how much she loves her company, how all of her team members are just tres fabulous and that if I’d just give the company a chance I’d find my passion and be rich at the same time! Sign me up! I want to have passion (outside of the bedroom or the bathroom that is)! I want to be rich! Show me the passion and the money and I’ll show you one content Executive Charwoman! But am I really going to find my passion in a nice shiny but light bronzer? I’m thinking no. Needless to say, I didn’t sign up. That’s another $29 I’ve saved my husband today, thank you very much. Never say I can’t save money when I want to.

I’ve been so desperate to figure out my life I even bought a self-help book to help. The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. In the first chapter it tells you to define your life’s purpose. Once you’ve done that you can move on to chapters two, three and finally to the end of the book where you’ve done each and every thing the book’s detailed and in only 64 chapters you’ve reached all of your goals and are living the life you’ve always dreamed! I’ve had the book for over a year now and I still haven’t made it past chapter one. Everyone’s gotta have a life’s purpose. The problem is figuring out what the hell mine is.

I’m still on the path to discovering myself. I thought I’d done that when I had a great career, traveled often, worked out daily and weighed a whopping 107 lbs soaking wet. Life was good. I was past the bar stage, wasn’t really interested in dating and honestly felt I would never get married. With that thought in mind I decided it was time to stop paying someone else for my housing and start paying a larger establishment; Chase Bank. With the purchase of my quaint little townhouse in a small community full of old people (I hate hearing the loud banging of my neighbors stereo so old people worked well…I just had to listen to endless repeats of Matlock if I stayed home during the day), I felt it was time to trade in the old pink, mauve and gray floral furniture so popular in the early 80’s for something more ‘single woman pretending she’s not a spinster’-like. And this is where my life began its warp speed change.

Wouldn’t it be my luck…while walking into the furniture store an incredibly attractive man with the tightest little buns I’ve ever seen walked by me. (Really now, how many good looking men with nice butts are there in the world? Was it fate one just happened to walk right by me at that exact moment? I think so.) We both just about broke our necks looking at each other. The next thing I knew it was four months later, we were engaged and I was living with him and his two very young daughters. Oh, and I was pregnant. We still have that damn townhouse and I still feel sad when I think that I only lived in it for four months!

Fast forward eight years later and fifteen pounds heavier and now I’m out of the professional world and rarely travel to anything but cheerleading competitions in places like Chattanooga, TN and Macon, GA. I still workout every day but the life I have now and the life I had then are vastly different. Things happen on a daily basis that make me look up to the sky and scream, “Are you kidding me? I did not sign up for this!”

And still, I contemplate my life, searching for its purpose. While doing ten loads of laundry and giving the dogs their allergy pills in pieces of cheese.

About Being Uninspired...

I feel uninspired. Yes, my mother just passed and probably my uninspiredness has something to do with that but mostly its about me. I've felt uninspired for months now...maybe even years. I've felt a lack of creativity and desire. I feel like I've been waiting. For what? Beats the heck out of me. I've been waiting for the kids to be old enough to take care of themselves enough so I can 'do for me'...they're old enough now but now I'm even less willing to 'do for me' because I'm afraid to leave them alone since they're able to make decisions for themselves. That's they're fault though since their decisions are usually stupid. Then I was waiting for my mom to die. Now I'm waiting for my husbands business to get moving.

Pretty soon it'll be me that's dead and then then it will be too late to do anything.

What exactly am I REALLY waiting for?

My very wonderful friend Genevieve (AKA, WT but that's another post)suggested I read "Julie & Julia." I had planned to prior to seeing the movie and just picked up the book today. I haven't even started it but it got me thinking that whole "If she can, I can" thing. If she can cook a recipe a day, then why can't I? Well, probably because I have no desire to cook for starters. Secondly, I suck at cooking. but maybe, just maybe there's something else I can do. Something that will force me to get out of whatever slump I feel trapped in and allow me to gain some inspiration. I think the book/movie is based on a year and while I can respect her motivation and drive, a year in the life of Carolyn is a LONG FREAKING TIME and I'm not sure I can commit to that type of inspiration just yet. It's baby steps people, baby steps.

So here's my deal. I've decided that I'm going to try that whole, 100 things in 100 days. Of course it will probably take me a year to think of 100 things to do but it's a start, right? :)

Seriously, my thought is that I'll document 100 things, create a start and end date and just do them. Each time I do one, I'll post my thoughts, comments, frustrations, etc. on my blog and then some famous book publisher will read them, contract me to write a bestseller and then sell the movie rights and I'll be rich. Okay, maybe that last part is just a pipe dream but at least I'm working towards a goal, right?

Tonight I'm going to think up my 100 things. Some will be easy. Some will be challenging. Some will be nostalgic. Some new, some silly, some stupid. Some scary, some a royal pain in the ass. But I will do them and I'm hopeful there will be something I can find from them that will inspire, motivate and help make me feel like me again.

If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions as to WHAT I can put on the list, please let me know. For now I must search the Internet and find things to do.

Take care of you and as my friend Katrina says, be particular.