I love duct tape. I saw a commercial recently where a man tries to duct tape his abs. My thought? Not a bad idea actually. It's less expensive than Spanx though probably harder to remove. My rolls of duct tape stored in their secret hiding place need not worry, I have big plans for them. Big plans.
School's been out for three weeks. Three long, agonizing weeks. Three long weeks of "I want", "You have to", "Why can't I", "That's not fair", "But everyone else gets to" and the infamous, "I promise I'll do my chores when I get back." Toss in a few thousand whines, demands, additional complaints of unfairness, several million eye rolls and twice as many tears and you've stepped into the Aspenson family home.
Shoot me now. Please. I will love you for it.
I've suggested to our county the concept of the 12 month school year but for now, it's a no go. Instead, I've had to think of creative ways to make it through this long, hot summer. This is where the duct tape comes in.
Now maybe you think I'm cruel. If you do, you probably have young kids who are still cute and fun to be around or you're a grandparent who has somehow forgotten that raising teenagers is like being pecked to death by a hen or maybe you just don't have any kids. If your the last, don't worry, your time will come. Hopefully.
Here's what I've come up with so far to make my life easier and fullfill the dream of my duct tape having an exciting life rather than spend eternity stuffed in a secret hiding place.
1. Duct tape them to the couch, keep the TV on Public Television or a religious station and put the remotes on the other side of the room.
2. Duct tape their eyes open and promise that if they try to remove it, their lids will come off (they're still naive enough to think it might actually happen).
3. Wake them up at 3 AM, duct tape them to the wall and sing Christmas carols to them all day long.
4. Duct tape their game controllers with rolls and rolls of tape and watch them cry because it's taking so long to remove and they want to play video games NOW!
5. Duct tape their nose to their sweaty socks they continually leave all over my family room. Then tape their hands so they can't remove it.
6. Remove all noise creators from their room and duct tape a continual recording of their whining to the outside of their bedroom door, change the handle to lock on the outside and keep it locked for the afternoon.
7. Duct tape them to something, anything, at their grandparents house and force them to listen to stories about "When I was your age" from their grandparents.
8. If you have a boy teenager, duct tape their pants at their waist, where they belong.
9. If you have a girl, duct tape the visible parts of her butt cheeks and upper thighs so the rest of the world can live in peace.
10. Duct tape a backpack full of 100 pounds of rocks onto their back and force them to walk around with it all day while you explain that this is what it feels like to care for a teenager.
11. Duct tape them to the wall next to the cat liter box just because you can.
I'm sure I've got more ideas but for now, I think these are winners! If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
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