My friend Pam will be thrilled to know I'm updating this blog. Finally. She's lectured and threatened but I know she's non-confrontational so I wasn't worried. Now had she threatened something akin to eliminating all of the Snickers in town, I'd be concerned. That is a scary possibility!
There's a lot to update but not much of it is interesting so if you have more important things to do, just close down the page now and move on. Otherwise, sit down with a cup of coffee and enjoy.
Let's start with me. After all, this blog is all about me so that's a good place to start, don't you think?
I turned 43 this month. Four-tee-three. Wow. How the heck did that happen? It just baffles my mind that at four-tee-three I still think like a thur-tee-three year old. Sort of. Maybe. Anyway, considering the fact that I bawled my eyes out when I turned the big four-de, this didn't go so bad. I guess it's good to add a year than to stop, right?
Needless to say, I was fairly sad on my birthday. It was the official start of the 'firsts' for me. The first birthday without my mom. The first next year of my life without my mom. It made me feel lonely. She was the only one physically there to share the my life from day one. My father was at home watching TV (actually, probably sleeping since it was 2:30 AM but he likes to embellish a bit), so it was just mom and I and while I haven't spent a birthday with just since, it was sad to think I'll never talk with her again on that day. Or any day for that matter.
Then I had the first Thanksgiving without my mom a few days ago. It was a good holiday. I was busy cooking and cleaning and entertaining so I didn't have a whole lot of time to be sad. I thought of my mom a lot and I talked to her, giving thanks for the times I did have her close. My dad and 'step' mom (I really hate that title) were here and that was great. My father is 81 and lately I've seen his mortality. I'm sure it's because of my mom dying but it is still hard to think that in a few years I will likely have lost both my mother and my father.
I learned a big lesson with the passing of my mom and I wish I could have learned it earlier. My mother had many problems and I had many solutions to those problems. Most were health issues and I constantly told her what she needed to do to be better. She complained and got frustrated and I got frustrated with her. She had no intentions of doing any of the things I suggested and I continued to attempt to get her to change. What a waste of time. It created frustration for both of us and if I could go back and change that, I would. Now I watch my father make decisions for himself that harm him; he smokes, he doesn't move, he doesn't eat enough, etc. It frustrates me but I have learned that saying anything is pointless. He's not going to change at my suggestion and I'm not going to make him feel bad or frustrated because I don't like what he's doing. He's 81 and his life is his to do with as he pleases. What right do I have to try to change it just because I think it will keep him around longer? No right, actually. Instead of harping, I'm choosing to just let him be him and while that can be sad at times, it makes my relationship with him much easier and non-combative.
Sadly, with the onset of the holidays comes the onset of more poundage. It's time to take it seriously and start to move more. Actually, the moving more isn't the problem as much as the eating is. I found a diet in Health magazine to lose 5 lbs in 5 days so on Tuesday I start that. I say Tuesday because that will give me time to get to the store on Monday morning. It's got stuff I don't like on it but eating isn't for pleasure, right? Yeah, I know. That's my problem, too. I eat for pleasure.
Most of the holiday decor is up and 99.99% of the shopping is done. It was ALL done but my husband decided to up the budge for it, so I have more to do. Not much, which is good. I hate shopping and hate it even more over the holidays.
Indoor Lacrosse for my son starts this week and thus I'll be driving around town for a few hours a night a few nights a week again. Oh well, it could be worse. My daughter could be back in competition cheerleading. Yikes.
Oh, one more thing. Let's play a little google game here. I'm going to type a name here and see if it pulls up from google when I google it. Here it goes. "Gracie Ridder Aspenson".
Happy Thanksgiving! Pam, let's walk this week on my new greenway.
Showing posts with label mother dying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother dying. Show all posts
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Dead is Dead
I have experienced death up close, personally. Not personally in the sense of some white light beckoning me or my spirit floating above my body only to be shocked back via some electric current. I’ve experienced death as a bystander. In reality, the bystander side seems like it’s probably worse. We’re left here to deal with death and its ugliness.
I literally watched my mother die. I curled my body into hers as she lay dying and watched her breathing go from rapid and labored to slow and infrequent and then just stop. People have expressed sadness at not being there when a loved one passed but I was there and there was nothing beautiful or peaceful about it. She didn’t look at peace. She didn’t look asleep. She just looked dead. And I felt dead. If I knew...if I felt she was ‘there’ before it happened...if I felt maybe she could hear what my brother and I were saying to her I might feel some sense of relief but I think she was gone already. Her body focused solely on her most important organs, not interested in anything other than basic survival and when that became too much, she just stopped being. It didn’t provide me with any consolation prize...any relief. Dead is dead.
I have always believed in an afterlife and I still do. I believe there is a God and my God has a Son who died for me and everyone else who has accepted him into their lives. This isn’t a question for me. It just is. Maybe I don’t always get what it means but it’s sort of like taxes. It is what it is and I accept it. I have also always believed that those who have died can somehow still communicate, be near or keep tabs on their loved ones still here. I’ve had experiences that have led me to believe this to be true. I never questioned it. Again, it’s one of those things that just is.
My mother and I often talked of her passing. I could talk easily of it because it wasn’t real. Once it became real, just thinking the words choked me up so saying them was impossible. But we had an agreement. She promised she would let me know she’s okay and I felt it was a sure thing, that once she was gone she’d find a way uniquely her own, to tell me she made it, was safe, happy, healthy or whatever and I’d know. I’d know she was where she was supposed to be.
It’s been a month now and I’m still waiting. I don’t question where she is. Her heart was golden and I believe she deserves Heaven and its glory and I’m sure she’s there living it up with those she loves who left before her. That isn’t my concern. What’s so upsetting to me is that I haven’t had my sign. Yes, shortly after she died I saw a lovely heart cloud pass over me but really, a cloud can be shaped like anything and that just wasn’t obvious enough for me. I was hoping for something more substantial. Something personal and something uniquely mom. I thought I’d dream of her. Nada. I got nothing. No dreams. No cold air on the back of my neck. No doors opening or pictures moving. No scent of her. Nothing. Dead is dead.
My whole belief system is shaken and stirred. What if she can’t contact me? What if that concept is just a pile of crap thrown upon us grievers to make us feel better? I’m beginning to wonder. Let’s face the facts. If you are a Christian and believe in Heaven and that it is truly what we’re taught, then truthfully, why would anyone in their right minds want to come back and even peek into the reality of earth? Seriously. Yes, they care for us and they love us but from what I understand once they’re gone they don’t have any care for earthly matters. And I’m starting to think that includes us. Not that we’re not still loved but that they see things differently and understand what we cannot possibly understand so they move on and know that eventually we will too, or not.
I hate that.
For me that means my mother is gone. She’s not ‘still with me’. She’s not ‘watching over me’. She’s just gone. Dead is dead. This theory is beginning to take shape in my heart because I don’t feel her. I don’t feel her around me. I don’t feel her inside me. I don’t feel like she’s still here, in my heart. I just feel like she’s dead. I feel this empty space deep within my soul and there’s no spirit floating around waiting for the right time to enter and fill me with peace.
Some people say I’m too involved in my grief to feel her. That I will, once I’m adjusted. Really? Listen people, the thing about death that really sucks is that life goes on. Every day happens whether you want it to or not. Whether I feel like getting up and facing the day, it’s there and I can’t just sit and dwell on the fact that my mother is gone. It is what it is and while I’m sad and I miss her, I’m really just pissed off. And not at the fact that she died. I’m pissed off because I thought I’d still feel her...that she’d ‘always be with me’ even though she was gone. I don’t. Dead is dead.
Maybe eventually I’ll feel differently about it. Maybe I’m in the middle of some step of the grieving process and tomorrow I’ll progress to the next step. Who knows? I’m not reading up on it. I don’t want to plan out my grieving. It is what it is and I just have to work with what I’ve got which sadly, right now, is nothing.
I know I’ll work through this and for the most part, I’ve come to accept the fact that my mother died and isn’t here. I still talk to her because on the off chance that she can hear me, I don’t want the backlash when I see her again because I didn’t talk to her. Heaven may be a wonderful place but God has no power over a pissed off mother. That’s one thing I’m sure of.
I literally watched my mother die. I curled my body into hers as she lay dying and watched her breathing go from rapid and labored to slow and infrequent and then just stop. People have expressed sadness at not being there when a loved one passed but I was there and there was nothing beautiful or peaceful about it. She didn’t look at peace. She didn’t look asleep. She just looked dead. And I felt dead. If I knew...if I felt she was ‘there’ before it happened...if I felt maybe she could hear what my brother and I were saying to her I might feel some sense of relief but I think she was gone already. Her body focused solely on her most important organs, not interested in anything other than basic survival and when that became too much, she just stopped being. It didn’t provide me with any consolation prize...any relief. Dead is dead.
I have always believed in an afterlife and I still do. I believe there is a God and my God has a Son who died for me and everyone else who has accepted him into their lives. This isn’t a question for me. It just is. Maybe I don’t always get what it means but it’s sort of like taxes. It is what it is and I accept it. I have also always believed that those who have died can somehow still communicate, be near or keep tabs on their loved ones still here. I’ve had experiences that have led me to believe this to be true. I never questioned it. Again, it’s one of those things that just is.
My mother and I often talked of her passing. I could talk easily of it because it wasn’t real. Once it became real, just thinking the words choked me up so saying them was impossible. But we had an agreement. She promised she would let me know she’s okay and I felt it was a sure thing, that once she was gone she’d find a way uniquely her own, to tell me she made it, was safe, happy, healthy or whatever and I’d know. I’d know she was where she was supposed to be.
It’s been a month now and I’m still waiting. I don’t question where she is. Her heart was golden and I believe she deserves Heaven and its glory and I’m sure she’s there living it up with those she loves who left before her. That isn’t my concern. What’s so upsetting to me is that I haven’t had my sign. Yes, shortly after she died I saw a lovely heart cloud pass over me but really, a cloud can be shaped like anything and that just wasn’t obvious enough for me. I was hoping for something more substantial. Something personal and something uniquely mom. I thought I’d dream of her. Nada. I got nothing. No dreams. No cold air on the back of my neck. No doors opening or pictures moving. No scent of her. Nothing. Dead is dead.
My whole belief system is shaken and stirred. What if she can’t contact me? What if that concept is just a pile of crap thrown upon us grievers to make us feel better? I’m beginning to wonder. Let’s face the facts. If you are a Christian and believe in Heaven and that it is truly what we’re taught, then truthfully, why would anyone in their right minds want to come back and even peek into the reality of earth? Seriously. Yes, they care for us and they love us but from what I understand once they’re gone they don’t have any care for earthly matters. And I’m starting to think that includes us. Not that we’re not still loved but that they see things differently and understand what we cannot possibly understand so they move on and know that eventually we will too, or not.
I hate that.
For me that means my mother is gone. She’s not ‘still with me’. She’s not ‘watching over me’. She’s just gone. Dead is dead. This theory is beginning to take shape in my heart because I don’t feel her. I don’t feel her around me. I don’t feel her inside me. I don’t feel like she’s still here, in my heart. I just feel like she’s dead. I feel this empty space deep within my soul and there’s no spirit floating around waiting for the right time to enter and fill me with peace.
Some people say I’m too involved in my grief to feel her. That I will, once I’m adjusted. Really? Listen people, the thing about death that really sucks is that life goes on. Every day happens whether you want it to or not. Whether I feel like getting up and facing the day, it’s there and I can’t just sit and dwell on the fact that my mother is gone. It is what it is and while I’m sad and I miss her, I’m really just pissed off. And not at the fact that she died. I’m pissed off because I thought I’d still feel her...that she’d ‘always be with me’ even though she was gone. I don’t. Dead is dead.
Maybe eventually I’ll feel differently about it. Maybe I’m in the middle of some step of the grieving process and tomorrow I’ll progress to the next step. Who knows? I’m not reading up on it. I don’t want to plan out my grieving. It is what it is and I just have to work with what I’ve got which sadly, right now, is nothing.
I know I’ll work through this and for the most part, I’ve come to accept the fact that my mother died and isn’t here. I still talk to her because on the off chance that she can hear me, I don’t want the backlash when I see her again because I didn’t talk to her. Heaven may be a wonderful place but God has no power over a pissed off mother. That’s one thing I’m sure of.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
About Being Uninspired...
I feel uninspired. Yes, my mother just passed and probably my uninspiredness has something to do with that but mostly its about me. I've felt uninspired for months now...maybe even years. I've felt a lack of creativity and desire. I feel like I've been waiting. For what? Beats the heck out of me. I've been waiting for the kids to be old enough to take care of themselves enough so I can 'do for me'...they're old enough now but now I'm even less willing to 'do for me' because I'm afraid to leave them alone since they're able to make decisions for themselves. That's they're fault though since their decisions are usually stupid. Then I was waiting for my mom to die. Now I'm waiting for my husbands business to get moving.
Pretty soon it'll be me that's dead and then then it will be too late to do anything.
What exactly am I REALLY waiting for?
My very wonderful friend Genevieve (AKA, WT but that's another post)suggested I read "Julie & Julia." I had planned to prior to seeing the movie and just picked up the book today. I haven't even started it but it got me thinking that whole "If she can, I can" thing. If she can cook a recipe a day, then why can't I? Well, probably because I have no desire to cook for starters. Secondly, I suck at cooking. but maybe, just maybe there's something else I can do. Something that will force me to get out of whatever slump I feel trapped in and allow me to gain some inspiration. I think the book/movie is based on a year and while I can respect her motivation and drive, a year in the life of Carolyn is a LONG FREAKING TIME and I'm not sure I can commit to that type of inspiration just yet. It's baby steps people, baby steps.
So here's my deal. I've decided that I'm going to try that whole, 100 things in 100 days. Of course it will probably take me a year to think of 100 things to do but it's a start, right? :)
Seriously, my thought is that I'll document 100 things, create a start and end date and just do them. Each time I do one, I'll post my thoughts, comments, frustrations, etc. on my blog and then some famous book publisher will read them, contract me to write a bestseller and then sell the movie rights and I'll be rich. Okay, maybe that last part is just a pipe dream but at least I'm working towards a goal, right?
Tonight I'm going to think up my 100 things. Some will be easy. Some will be challenging. Some will be nostalgic. Some new, some silly, some stupid. Some scary, some a royal pain in the ass. But I will do them and I'm hopeful there will be something I can find from them that will inspire, motivate and help make me feel like me again.
If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions as to WHAT I can put on the list, please let me know. For now I must search the Internet and find things to do.
Take care of you and as my friend Katrina says, be particular.
Pretty soon it'll be me that's dead and then then it will be too late to do anything.
What exactly am I REALLY waiting for?
My very wonderful friend Genevieve (AKA, WT but that's another post)suggested I read "Julie & Julia." I had planned to prior to seeing the movie and just picked up the book today. I haven't even started it but it got me thinking that whole "If she can, I can" thing. If she can cook a recipe a day, then why can't I? Well, probably because I have no desire to cook for starters. Secondly, I suck at cooking. but maybe, just maybe there's something else I can do. Something that will force me to get out of whatever slump I feel trapped in and allow me to gain some inspiration. I think the book/movie is based on a year and while I can respect her motivation and drive, a year in the life of Carolyn is a LONG FREAKING TIME and I'm not sure I can commit to that type of inspiration just yet. It's baby steps people, baby steps.
So here's my deal. I've decided that I'm going to try that whole, 100 things in 100 days. Of course it will probably take me a year to think of 100 things to do but it's a start, right? :)
Seriously, my thought is that I'll document 100 things, create a start and end date and just do them. Each time I do one, I'll post my thoughts, comments, frustrations, etc. on my blog and then some famous book publisher will read them, contract me to write a bestseller and then sell the movie rights and I'll be rich. Okay, maybe that last part is just a pipe dream but at least I'm working towards a goal, right?
Tonight I'm going to think up my 100 things. Some will be easy. Some will be challenging. Some will be nostalgic. Some new, some silly, some stupid. Some scary, some a royal pain in the ass. But I will do them and I'm hopeful there will be something I can find from them that will inspire, motivate and help make me feel like me again.
If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions as to WHAT I can put on the list, please let me know. For now I must search the Internet and find things to do.
Take care of you and as my friend Katrina says, be particular.
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