Children are Like Chickens...

I have this magnet on my refrigerator. I bought it as a joke right before moving in with my fiancée and two young daughters. Eleven years and a son later, I curse myself for not taking the magnet seriously and running no, bolting in the other direction. The magnet says, “Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken”. Clearly that magnet was created by a mother. Probably one who got out before it was too late.

Throughout the years of my marriage, I’ve awaken the same way. In bed or on the couch (or the backseat of my SUV, depending on how loud my husband snored that night). I slowly open one eye. If I’m lucky, it’s not glued shut from the allergy jam that settled in it that night because if I have to move anything other than that one eyelid, all hell breaks loose. My two dogs are then notified to my awakeness and jump to attention, expecting to be pet or fed or walked or told for the billionth time how cute they are. If luck persists, I can lie still for a few minutes and allow my body and brain to physically wake up. Sometimes I’m even able to move, pet the dogs quickly and get them out the door without much sound. Of course at that point the fifteen pound cat who thinks she’s a dog throws herself on the floor in front of me and does her daily ritual of roll-overs to impress me into petting her fluffy fat body. Which of course I do because she’s cute and if I don’t, she’ll howl loud enough to destroy my plan of getting five minutes of quiet time before everyone else wakes up.

I then get to tip toe through the house to the coffee pot so I can quietly make a pot of decaf coffee. Personally I think the decaf is pointless but the damage my already hyper husband would do to the walls while pinging off of them all day from caffeinated would stress me out so I sacrifice.

Once the coffee is made I tip toe with it to the couch (a skill I’ve mastered and should have amazing calves for but don’t because God is clearly a man) and I sit in sheer, orgasmic silence, sipping my sacrificial unleaded coffee until I hear the pitter patter of my sons feet down the stairs. This is usually about 20 seconds after I sit. His timing is impeccable. Goodbye alone time.

Honestly I don’t mind that he gets up when he does. He’s sleepy and mushy and always wants to snuggle; something I enjoy and try not to take for granted. The snuggling is quick, just as long as I can hold my breath because once I breathe I am engulfed in the stench of whatever it is that crawled into his mouth while he was sleeping, took a dump and then died . Really, I have my limits.

Once I’m ready to breathe again, I get up and my son turns on the TV. Usually it’s Nickelodeon. The worst network. Ever. I’ve considered sending death threats to its management but I’m pretty sure millions of other mothers have already and they probably wouldn’t take me seriously. And if they did, I don’t want to spend my life with my finger in the pocket of Big Sally, my new girlfriend, if you get my drift.

Before I know it, everyone is up and the whole, “Mom can I...”, “Mom, did you...”, “Mom,” “Mom,”, “Mom,” thing starts and the next thing I know it’s eleven years later, I’m forty-two, my thighs are expanding, my hair is graying and I think being institutionalized doesn’t sound all that bad. If only I’d realized the truth behind that magnet.

The 100 Things in 100 Days is OUTTA HERE!

But not because I don't WANT to do it. Because I've thought and thought and thought and decided I'm right...it's too much, too soon and some of the things I want to do won't be possible in a day. Instead, I'm doing 100 things in 1 year. I can't do the 100 things in 1001 days because frankly, that's too long and I'll lose my umph. Not that I even have my umph yet but I'm hoping to either acquire some or buy some at the umph store today. I really need the umph.

I'm also thinking that I need a theme for this. A "stepping out of my comfort zone" thing or a "what the hell am I thinking" theme. I'm working on that. I could do a simple, "100 things to do to torture my children in 1 year" theme but that wouldn't be nice. Fun, but not nice. So I'm working on the theme and working on the things and my goal is to have them done by the end of the week.

On a similar note...I've spent the last few months taking care of my mom and really thinking about her life. The person she was, the person I saw and the person I wanted her to be. It's taught me a lot and damn if I didn't get the chance to tell her before she passed. I wanted to but I didn't want her to be sad. I did tell her many things and some things I didn't need to because she just knew. We were close and though she was a far better person than I can ever hope to be, she thought I was okay and saw the good in me even when I was a royal bitch.

My mother lived her life FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Her parents. Her husband. Her children. Her grandchildren. She moved to GA to help me with my kids so I could work when she was in her late 60's. In 2001 she had routine open heart surgery to replace her mitro-valve and stroked. Her life changed completely. So my mother spent HER WHOLE LIFE taking care of others and doing things for other people. She truly never had any free time to do what she wanted without the responsibility of others. At the point of her stroke she was helping me and then 9 years later she died and she never got the chance to just live her life for herself. That breaks my heart.

I've been thinking about that. In some ways, I've sort of done that since getting married. I gave up my career shortly after her stroke because of 911 - I felt uncomfortable traveling while my husband was doing the same. I stayed home and became a full time mom. I've been 'waiting' for my kids to grow up. Waiting until they could stay home alone and then maybe I could take some time for me. Then with my mother needing me, I waited more. Now my kids are older but I haven't felt like I can stop waiting because the girls are teenagers and they almost need me more even though they don't see it that way. Also, my husband has had a great career and I have been waiting until it is set and then I can do for me. Now his career has shifted and he's started his own business so alas, I wait again.

I don't want to wait and wait until I am dead and can't do what's right for me. I'm not as selfless as my mother. I don't like waiting. And the problem is, I've become so accustomed to it, so BORED, that I really don't feel like I want to do anything.

So that's the reason for the 100 things in 1 year.

Here's where you insert the shit to another subject:

I just purchased a DVD for T Tapping. It's "a total body workout that can deliver major inch-loss quickly". My sister in law swears by it. She said she lost 1 inch on her butt last week. I could do cardio and weights for 24 hours a day for a year and not do that. So the DVD is $20 right now and I bought it. I'll have it in 8 days (shipping is like snail mail with UPS these days unless you pay out the wazoo). I'm going to do it. It's 15 minutes a day and since I'm bored and waiting, 15 minutes shouldn't break my time bank, right? Just something to add to my weight loss program that really should be considered a weight gain program.

Apparently I have to (eeks!) MEASURE MY BODY before I start and then measure again in a week. I'm worried that the first measuring will send me into a major depression and I'll eat myself to my death but I'm going to hide myself in my bathroom, measure and then cry until I can't cry any more and then T Tap. For those of you hundreds of people who read this silly blog (not!) the website is http://www.t-tapp.com/

I have to figure out how to link on this thing.

Okay. So that's where I'm at. I've got to run now and figure out what to put on my list and what theme to go with. Wish me luck. I need it!

Rethinking the Whole 100 Things in 100 Days Idea...

It's not that I don't 'want' to do it. It's more that maybe I need to rethink the time frame. The people who started the "100 Things in 1001 Days" are probably right. It's easier to extend the time. Some things I just won't be able to get done in that short of a time frame. Plus, some things will require more time. So I'm going to rethink the time frame and once I figure out a reasonable amount of time, I'll start.

Probably in about 10 years. Okay, maybe not but close. At least that's the way I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed. Tired. Fat. BUT...the good news is that I'm going to do this. Most likely. If I can motivate myself. No, wait. I AM going to do this just after I get my list done.

Wow, I need help, don't I? Geesh.

The Start of the List...

I realize the program is actually 100 things in 1001 days but I'm impatient. I've started a list and figured I'd post it immediately because then maybe the thing will actually 'start'. If I wait until I get 100 things, I may never get started. So tomorrow it starts. They're in no particular order, thank God. WISH ME LUCK!

100 Things in 100 Days

1. Spend a day taking pictures of nature
2. Drag my son to the park and PLAY
3. Rollerblade again (and not just for five minutes...really get over the fear of falling again since I only fell twice in 13 years. I should NOT be scared to do it again!)
4. See a musical (that I have yet to see)
5. Make my mothers’ meatballs and gravy (with the ravioli filling)
6. Type out my mothers’ recipes and put them in book format
7. Try hot yoga one more time (just in case I didn’t give it a good enough chance the first time)
8. Have a chick-like martini at a bar with my husband
9. Pig out on crab legs at an all you can eat crab fest
10. Plant a tree for my mom
11. Take a family picture
12. Go fishing
13. Stay off FB for 24 hours (okay NO comments from the cookie factory or whatever it is!)
14. Take another self defense class
15. Hike Sawnee Mountain even if no one else wants to go
16. Go to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens
17. Make pillows from my moms’ sweaters for my kids
18. Visit my moms’ friends at her old assisted living apartment
19. Watch the sun set
20. Watch the sun rise
21. Write a letter to my mom s best friend and actually mail it
22. Spend an hour or so with Jen (from Starbucks) because I think I’d like to get to know her better (probably should find out if she feels the same first, huh?)
23. Visit Melanie and Jamie at their new house (when invited, of course!)
24. Go for a walk with Isa

Scary thought...

About Being Uninspired...

I feel uninspired. Yes, my mother just passed and probably my uninspiredness has something to do with that but mostly its about me. I've felt uninspired for months now...maybe even years. I've felt a lack of creativity and desire. I feel like I've been waiting. For what? Beats the heck out of me. I've been waiting for the kids to be old enough to take care of themselves enough so I can 'do for me'...they're old enough now but now I'm even less willing to 'do for me' because I'm afraid to leave them alone since they're able to make decisions for themselves. That's they're fault though since their decisions are usually stupid. Then I was waiting for my mom to die. Now I'm waiting for my husbands business to get moving.

Pretty soon it'll be me that's dead and then then it will be too late to do anything.

What exactly am I REALLY waiting for?

My very wonderful friend Genevieve (AKA, WT but that's another post)suggested I read "Julie & Julia." I had planned to prior to seeing the movie and just picked up the book today. I haven't even started it but it got me thinking that whole "If she can, I can" thing. If she can cook a recipe a day, then why can't I? Well, probably because I have no desire to cook for starters. Secondly, I suck at cooking. but maybe, just maybe there's something else I can do. Something that will force me to get out of whatever slump I feel trapped in and allow me to gain some inspiration. I think the book/movie is based on a year and while I can respect her motivation and drive, a year in the life of Carolyn is a LONG FREAKING TIME and I'm not sure I can commit to that type of inspiration just yet. It's baby steps people, baby steps.

So here's my deal. I've decided that I'm going to try that whole, 100 things in 100 days. Of course it will probably take me a year to think of 100 things to do but it's a start, right? :)

Seriously, my thought is that I'll document 100 things, create a start and end date and just do them. Each time I do one, I'll post my thoughts, comments, frustrations, etc. on my blog and then some famous book publisher will read them, contract me to write a bestseller and then sell the movie rights and I'll be rich. Okay, maybe that last part is just a pipe dream but at least I'm working towards a goal, right?

Tonight I'm going to think up my 100 things. Some will be easy. Some will be challenging. Some will be nostalgic. Some new, some silly, some stupid. Some scary, some a royal pain in the ass. But I will do them and I'm hopeful there will be something I can find from them that will inspire, motivate and help make me feel like me again.

If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions as to WHAT I can put on the list, please let me know. For now I must search the Internet and find things to do.

Take care of you and as my friend Katrina says, be particular.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Throw Them in the Face of Someone Who Really Pisses You Off!

It has not been a good week but not for lack of trying. Some say it's hard to remain positive and have a good outlook on life when your mother dies. Yeah, I can see that but I have really, really tried hard to keep focused on the normalcy of my life even though there's this huge, empty space in my heart where my mother once lived. Now she's gone and the world, surprisingly goes on without her. And that really pisses me off.

I see her things...her shoes on the floor in the den. They just sit there, almost waiting for her to put them on. The shoes don't move. Neither does her robe hanging in the closet waiting to be worn again. Suddenly these items have taken on a life for me. I touch them, try to find her smell in them but get nothing but fabric softener. Maybe clothes washing is over rated?

I give these things life but the world does not. It continues to move and function with one less person and virtually no sadness for the loss. Me, I'm on auto-pilot most of the day, doing my best to function normally, acting as if my mother being dead is no big deal. Life must go on, right? There's bills to pay, businesses to start, bowling for .97 cents a game. The car needed an oil change and the kids needed haircuts. What is supposed to happen has to happen. It's the process.

Screw the process. Really. I'm over it. I sit up at night, staring into the shadows on my wall, hoping my mother will appear and look happy, healthy and at peace. She doesn't and it's a pretty good chance she never will but still, I look. It's better than closing my eyes and trying to sleep. Nights and mornings are the hardest. I'll make it through - already have. It's been one week and almost one full day of my life without my mom and well, I'm still breathing so I figure there's only the rest of my life to go.

One would think that during this time, things would be easier for me. I'd get support and help and consideration. One would think. And to be honest, I have from many people, some entirely unexpected and for all of them, I am truly grateful.

What's surprising to me is the way that I'm expected to just move on like nothing has happened, continue to focus on everyone else, as always - and not get pissed off that I have to do that. That maybe, for the next few weeks or so, I might need a little kindness, not pressure, not aruging, not the expectation to be the person I was on June 29th, the day before my life changed completely. That I should put my needs, my feelings and my heartbreak aside because, well, others have stuff going on too, you know. Their lives do not revolve around me yet, I'm still supposed to make sure mine does around them.

Maybe people are just trying to keep everything normal, like nothing ever happened...maybe so I can feel normal but the thing is, I will never, ever feel that kind of normal again. Life as I lived it before is over. This is a new phase, the one without a mom and someone has to understand that and help me find my way in this new phase without expecting too much from me right now.

If you know anyone like that, please let me know. I'd like to rent them.

I'd like to complain more but for reasons I can't explain, I feel badly for doing it as much as I have already in this blog so I won't.

To the people who have been there for me and all of my wonderful FB friends who sent me cards, emails, flowers...you have shown me a side of humanity I truly forgot existed and I am very grateful to that.