When Life Gives You Lemons, Throw Them in the Face of Someone Who Really Pisses You Off!

It has not been a good week but not for lack of trying. Some say it's hard to remain positive and have a good outlook on life when your mother dies. Yeah, I can see that but I have really, really tried hard to keep focused on the normalcy of my life even though there's this huge, empty space in my heart where my mother once lived. Now she's gone and the world, surprisingly goes on without her. And that really pisses me off.

I see her things...her shoes on the floor in the den. They just sit there, almost waiting for her to put them on. The shoes don't move. Neither does her robe hanging in the closet waiting to be worn again. Suddenly these items have taken on a life for me. I touch them, try to find her smell in them but get nothing but fabric softener. Maybe clothes washing is over rated?

I give these things life but the world does not. It continues to move and function with one less person and virtually no sadness for the loss. Me, I'm on auto-pilot most of the day, doing my best to function normally, acting as if my mother being dead is no big deal. Life must go on, right? There's bills to pay, businesses to start, bowling for .97 cents a game. The car needed an oil change and the kids needed haircuts. What is supposed to happen has to happen. It's the process.

Screw the process. Really. I'm over it. I sit up at night, staring into the shadows on my wall, hoping my mother will appear and look happy, healthy and at peace. She doesn't and it's a pretty good chance she never will but still, I look. It's better than closing my eyes and trying to sleep. Nights and mornings are the hardest. I'll make it through - already have. It's been one week and almost one full day of my life without my mom and well, I'm still breathing so I figure there's only the rest of my life to go.

One would think that during this time, things would be easier for me. I'd get support and help and consideration. One would think. And to be honest, I have from many people, some entirely unexpected and for all of them, I am truly grateful.

What's surprising to me is the way that I'm expected to just move on like nothing has happened, continue to focus on everyone else, as always - and not get pissed off that I have to do that. That maybe, for the next few weeks or so, I might need a little kindness, not pressure, not aruging, not the expectation to be the person I was on June 29th, the day before my life changed completely. That I should put my needs, my feelings and my heartbreak aside because, well, others have stuff going on too, you know. Their lives do not revolve around me yet, I'm still supposed to make sure mine does around them.

Maybe people are just trying to keep everything normal, like nothing ever happened...maybe so I can feel normal but the thing is, I will never, ever feel that kind of normal again. Life as I lived it before is over. This is a new phase, the one without a mom and someone has to understand that and help me find my way in this new phase without expecting too much from me right now.

If you know anyone like that, please let me know. I'd like to rent them.

I'd like to complain more but for reasons I can't explain, I feel badly for doing it as much as I have already in this blog so I won't.

To the people who have been there for me and all of my wonderful FB friends who sent me cards, emails, flowers...you have shown me a side of humanity I truly forgot existed and I am very grateful to that.