Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep (Carl Sandburg)

I'd like to take credit for that saying but I'm entirely too honest and would feel bad if I got busted, so credit is given where credit is due. Thanks Mr. Sandburg. It's a fitting quote for me today.

I am taking life too seriously lately. So yeah, my mother is dying of cancer and I'm taking care of her. My father is struggling with some issues and my poor (step) mom has to take care of him. My husband was recently laid off and is starting a business in this economy and today he drove away from the gas pump with the hose still attached to the car. Did he bother to take pictures of it in the event the owner chooses to try and scam us? No. He is great but not always the brightest bulb on the tree.

The point of all of this is that, yes, while I have reason to take life seriously because stuff happens, I'm over it. I'm over being cranky and frustrated and stressed and anxious and an insomniac. I know I have a CHOICE in how I feel and I'm intent on making that choice for myself.

Or at least I hope.

The problem is, people are just pissing me off. They breathe and that's annoying. They speak to me and it bugs me. They walk in a room and I want to shoot them. (with an air soft gun because being in prison would really make me cranky) I've got to figure out a way to deal with that.

Sadly, I am feeling trapped. Since my mom lives with me and can no longer be left alone, I have to be here most of the time. Occasionally my husband can be here and while he's wonderful, he gets distracted or works on the deck on in his office in the basement and doesn't HEAR her when she needs him. Yes, we have a bell but if he's involved in something, he's so incredibly focused on it he hears nothing else. We considered a baby monitor but she has a TV on 24/7 and that's just more noise to deal with. So I try not to leave the house much and I can be here to help her in the bathroom or whatever. I'm a bit bitter about it because...well, because I just am. I don't like feeling trapped.

Another issue is the fact that I have things I should/want to do at the house but I can't really focus on them. Once I try, she needs me and I either can't get it done or she gets upset because she refuses to use the bell and tries to call to me and I can't hear her. She doesn't need to be upset but really, use the freaking bell mom! Stop being so stubborn.

I have barely worked out. I want to but I'm so tired most of the time from doing nothing and not sleeping well that working out just doesn't seem attainable. I know I will feel better if I do so I've decided that Monday I'm going to start going again daily and do it whether I want to or not. Think Nike.

It's pissing me off to feel so stressed knowing it's adding fat to my body...something I generally fear.

I tried yoga to relax and didn't like it. Maybe I should try it a few more times but really, I just didn't like it.

My goal for the next few hours is to figure out a way to stop feeling crappy and cranky and deal with the facts as they are and start taking care of myself instead of feeling the need to crawl in a hole and ignore life itself.

Typically I try to be funny when I write but I'm not feeling all that funny right now and faking it just isn't going to cut it.