Contemplations and Life Expectations for the Over 40...well, for me, at least.

My friend Pam will be thrilled to know I'm updating this blog. Finally. She's lectured and threatened but I know she's non-confrontational so I wasn't worried. Now had she threatened something akin to eliminating all of the Snickers in town, I'd be concerned. That is a scary possibility!

There's a lot to update but not much of it is interesting so if you have more important things to do, just close down the page now and move on. Otherwise, sit down with a cup of coffee and enjoy.

Let's start with me. After all, this blog is all about me so that's a good place to start, don't you think?

I turned 43 this month. Four-tee-three. Wow. How the heck did that happen? It just baffles my mind that at four-tee-three I still think like a thur-tee-three year old. Sort of. Maybe. Anyway, considering the fact that I bawled my eyes out when I turned the big four-de, this didn't go so bad. I guess it's good to add a year than to stop, right?

Needless to say, I was fairly sad on my birthday. It was the official start of the 'firsts' for me. The first birthday without my mom. The first next year of my life without my mom. It made me feel lonely. She was the only one physically there to share the my life from day one. My father was at home watching TV (actually, probably sleeping since it was 2:30 AM but he likes to embellish a bit), so it was just mom and I and while I haven't spent a birthday with just since, it was sad to think I'll never talk with her again on that day. Or any day for that matter.

Then I had the first Thanksgiving without my mom a few days ago. It was a good holiday. I was busy cooking and cleaning and entertaining so I didn't have a whole lot of time to be sad. I thought of my mom a lot and I talked to her, giving thanks for the times I did have her close. My dad and 'step' mom (I really hate that title) were here and that was great. My father is 81 and lately I've seen his mortality. I'm sure it's because of my mom dying but it is still hard to think that in a few years I will likely have lost both my mother and my father.

I learned a big lesson with the passing of my mom and I wish I could have learned it earlier. My mother had many problems and I had many solutions to those problems. Most were health issues and I constantly told her what she needed to do to be better. She complained and got frustrated and I got frustrated with her. She had no intentions of doing any of the things I suggested and I continued to attempt to get her to change. What a waste of time. It created frustration for both of us and if I could go back and change that, I would. Now I watch my father make decisions for himself that harm him; he smokes, he doesn't move, he doesn't eat enough, etc. It frustrates me but I have learned that saying anything is pointless. He's not going to change at my suggestion and I'm not going to make him feel bad or frustrated because I don't like what he's doing. He's 81 and his life is his to do with as he pleases. What right do I have to try to change it just because I think it will keep him around longer? No right, actually. Instead of harping, I'm choosing to just let him be him and while that can be sad at times, it makes my relationship with him much easier and non-combative.

Sadly, with the onset of the holidays comes the onset of more poundage. It's time to take it seriously and start to move more. Actually, the moving more isn't the problem as much as the eating is. I found a diet in Health magazine to lose 5 lbs in 5 days so on Tuesday I start that. I say Tuesday because that will give me time to get to the store on Monday morning. It's got stuff I don't like on it but eating isn't for pleasure, right? Yeah, I know. That's my problem, too. I eat for pleasure.

Most of the holiday decor is up and 99.99% of the shopping is done. It was ALL done but my husband decided to up the budge for it, so I have more to do. Not much, which is good. I hate shopping and hate it even more over the holidays.

Indoor Lacrosse for my son starts this week and thus I'll be driving around town for a few hours a night a few nights a week again. Oh well, it could be worse. My daughter could be back in competition cheerleading. Yikes.

Oh, one more thing. Let's play a little google game here. I'm going to type a name here and see if it pulls up from google when I google it. Here it goes. "Gracie Ridder Aspenson".

Happy Thanksgiving! Pam, let's walk this week on my new greenway.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep (Carl Sandburg)

I'd like to take credit for that saying but I'm entirely too honest and would feel bad if I got busted, so credit is given where credit is due. Thanks Mr. Sandburg. It's a fitting quote for me today.

I am taking life too seriously lately. So yeah, my mother is dying of cancer and I'm taking care of her. My father is struggling with some issues and my poor (step) mom has to take care of him. My husband was recently laid off and is starting a business in this economy and today he drove away from the gas pump with the hose still attached to the car. Did he bother to take pictures of it in the event the owner chooses to try and scam us? No. He is great but not always the brightest bulb on the tree.

The point of all of this is that, yes, while I have reason to take life seriously because stuff happens, I'm over it. I'm over being cranky and frustrated and stressed and anxious and an insomniac. I know I have a CHOICE in how I feel and I'm intent on making that choice for myself.

Or at least I hope.

The problem is, people are just pissing me off. They breathe and that's annoying. They speak to me and it bugs me. They walk in a room and I want to shoot them. (with an air soft gun because being in prison would really make me cranky) I've got to figure out a way to deal with that.

Sadly, I am feeling trapped. Since my mom lives with me and can no longer be left alone, I have to be here most of the time. Occasionally my husband can be here and while he's wonderful, he gets distracted or works on the deck on in his office in the basement and doesn't HEAR her when she needs him. Yes, we have a bell but if he's involved in something, he's so incredibly focused on it he hears nothing else. We considered a baby monitor but she has a TV on 24/7 and that's just more noise to deal with. So I try not to leave the house much and I can be here to help her in the bathroom or whatever. I'm a bit bitter about it because...well, because I just am. I don't like feeling trapped.

Another issue is the fact that I have things I should/want to do at the house but I can't really focus on them. Once I try, she needs me and I either can't get it done or she gets upset because she refuses to use the bell and tries to call to me and I can't hear her. She doesn't need to be upset but really, use the freaking bell mom! Stop being so stubborn.

I have barely worked out. I want to but I'm so tired most of the time from doing nothing and not sleeping well that working out just doesn't seem attainable. I know I will feel better if I do so I've decided that Monday I'm going to start going again daily and do it whether I want to or not. Think Nike.

It's pissing me off to feel so stressed knowing it's adding fat to my body...something I generally fear.

I tried yoga to relax and didn't like it. Maybe I should try it a few more times but really, I just didn't like it.

My goal for the next few hours is to figure out a way to stop feeling crappy and cranky and deal with the facts as they are and start taking care of myself instead of feeling the need to crawl in a hole and ignore life itself.

Typically I try to be funny when I write but I'm not feeling all that funny right now and faking it just isn't going to cut it.