Ever had one of those light bulbs go off over top of your head? Okay, I'm talking figuratively, not in the literal sense. I've had a few and though most haven't been life-altering, some have certainly come close. Take the most recent one. It hit home more like a brick to the head instead of a light bulb above it but I think that was my higher power trying to make a point.
For years I have said "I'm prepared for my parents to die" and I meant it. I truly believed that and still do. Both mom and dad have never taken great care of themselves and I firmly believe that had it not been for my (step)mother, my father would already be gone. Truth be told, I never thought my mother would beat him to Heaven. Their ill health and lack of desire to improve it have kept me reality based. I knew they would die at some point. Everything dies. Isn't that something we learn at some point in our childhood? So yes, I was completely prepared for my mother's death. What I was not prepared for however, was my mother to be dead. There's the light bulb moment.
Make sense?
My point is that I was ready for her to physically pass. I didn't want her to be in pain and I didn't want her to suffer, even just a little. I know she didn't want to so I accepted her decision not to fight her cancer (it wouldn't have mattered anyway)and did what I could to keep her comfortable in her last months. I was with her as she literally took her last breath and I knew it was her last. I could feel it in my bones.
Looking back, all of that was the easy part. The hard part is the now. The time after the dying. The dead part. I was not and am still not prepared for my mother to be dead.
I don't know exactly what I was thinking through her last few months because I know I didn't want her to die and I did think about what it would be like when she was gone but the problem with that is you can't really know. You think you know but you don't. So now I spend my days doing whatever it is I have to do with this huge monkey on my back. My mom is dead. Gone. Forever. And while I believe in Heaven and I feel, in my heart of hearts that I will see her again, I struggle with the "what if?" of it all. I was not prepared for her to be dead.
I wasn't prepared for the empty, lonely feeling one has when they go to pick up the phone to call their mom and realize they can't. I wasn't prepared for packing up her clothes for Goodwill and not being able to smell her because I'm so damn anal retentive and washed her clothes all of the time. I wasn't prepared to be fine one minute and a crumbled, emotional wreck the next.
I wasn't prepared for most everyone to not understand. I wasn't prepared for my husband to have the need to fix things and make me instantly better. Though truthfully, I should have expected that. I wasn't prepared to have to talk about this on other people's terms because honestly, death is ugly and people don't really want to know how you're feeling. They ask to feel good about themselves but they don't want the truth. As Jack Nicholas says, "You can't handle the truth". It's true. Unless you have lost a parent or someone at that level of closeness to you, you cannot possible understand. Sure, you think you can but you can't. Someday you will but don't pretend because us grievers, we can see through it. We're in the know and you simply aren't. Thanks for trying but a simple, "I'm sorry" is much better than anything else you can say.
I wasn't prepared for the realization that I will spend probably more than half of my life without my mom. Today I spoke to a friend whose mother died last year. She's 60 years old and said, "I know I should feel lucky that I had my mom for 60 years but I don't. It wasn't enough time." You can never have enough time with the people you love. I suspect we'll all feel cheated each time someone we love dies. It's the way our hearts work, I guess.
I've spent the last month and a half not interested in a whole lot of anything. For several years I used a lot of emotional and physical energy to care for my mom and now I have this huge empty space and honestly, I don't know what the hell to do with it. Most everything that used to be important to me, isn't now. My 60 year old friend told me today it will be again and that it just takes time. She said to cut myself some slack but I've never been good at that.
I know my mother wouldn't want me to feel this way but really, when have I truly done what my mom wanted? Why change now, you know? I don't want to shock her or anything! Personally, I don't want to feel this way either and have been smacking myself in the head trying to figure out how to move forward but I'm not sure it's something I can make happen. I think it's a process and I have to work through it. I do know that I have to force myself to do things, like exercise and stop eating everything I see. I feel better when I exercise and I berate myself for not eating properly so having these things not going how they should just makes things harder. I keep telling myself I'll work on them, tomorrow. Yet tomorrow comes and I sit and try to figure out who I am now that I'm Carolyn-without-a-mom. I don't like it and I'm really sick of feeling this way. Tomorrow I will start to do right by myself. Or so I say.
I have learned that while 'death' itself is a process and an experience, in this case, it's not mine, it's my mom's. She died. Her death is about her and not about what it has done or is doing to me. She owns it and she's gone from this place to another and I'm pretty sure she's all right with that. I'm not angry and I'm not bitter. I haven't felt the resentment some feel and I haven't bargained for her to 'return' or to feel better. Again, it would require me to give a rats butt and I just don't much care about anything. But while her dying is about her, her being dead is about me and that is something I have to find a way to accept. Though accept might not be the right word. I accept that she is dead. Hard not to accept the obvious, right? I just have to learn to live with the obvious. It's a different life for me and as with anything new, I'm still trying to work my way through it.
When I get to where ever it is I'm supposed to get, if I do, I'll let you know.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Poem About Gaining Weight
I've been gaining weight. That's what happens when you eat large amounts of food and don't exercise. I actually enjoy exercising but since my mom passed, I just haven't felt like doing any of the things that were important to me before. Except eating, of course. Eating is more important to me than it used to be.
The good news is that I've figured out what I'm doing and I've not gained THAT much weight that I can't fix the problem. The bad news is that I still just don't give a crap enough to do what I need to do.
See my problem?
I've thought about major full-body lipo but that's quite costly and with my husband starting a new business, probably not the smartest decision. I've prayed for thin thighs and then I gained four pounds. Really? I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere but I fail to see it right now.
I've given myself until Monday. On Monday if my lazy butt isn't back at the gym on a regular basis and if my mouth isn't closed past 1400 calories (yes, that number is correct, keep your panties on) then I'm going to duct tape it shut and lock myself in my gym overnight.
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
In light of my weight gain, I searched online for weight gain poems. I found one I enjoyed by Barbara Warnock. I'm copying it here because it's a joy to read.
Hopefully Monday you'll read a post about my wonderful work out and how sore I am.
Here's Barbara's poem.
"I'll start a new one Monday", we've heard it all before,
but if I don't really start one soon I won't make it through the door.
I start with good intentions of that I can't deny,
I'm getting fatter by the hour, I'll really have to try.
So no more chips or chocolate, no more 'pigging out'
I'll be very careful of what I eat, of that there'll be no doubt.
I'll watch my waist get tiny, I'll watch my figure thin,
Oh what a joy it's going to be to at last be nice and slim.
I can see me walking down the street in dress size number ten,
(from Carolyn: NOOOO!!! 4!)
I just have to resist and resist I will when I get a hungry yen.
With exercise in every form and regular daily jogs,
you'll see me lazing by the pool in my top designer togs.
So come join me all you tubbies, come join with me at last,
I'll need all the help that I can get to get me through this fast.
If you see me eating lollies or sneaking greasy fries,
then smack my hand and click your tongue, remind me of my size.
I'm sure that I can make it, I just need a little space
before Monday comes around again, till then I'll "stuff my face"!
The good news is that I've figured out what I'm doing and I've not gained THAT much weight that I can't fix the problem. The bad news is that I still just don't give a crap enough to do what I need to do.
See my problem?
I've thought about major full-body lipo but that's quite costly and with my husband starting a new business, probably not the smartest decision. I've prayed for thin thighs and then I gained four pounds. Really? I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere but I fail to see it right now.
I've given myself until Monday. On Monday if my lazy butt isn't back at the gym on a regular basis and if my mouth isn't closed past 1400 calories (yes, that number is correct, keep your panties on) then I'm going to duct tape it shut and lock myself in my gym overnight.
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
In light of my weight gain, I searched online for weight gain poems. I found one I enjoyed by Barbara Warnock. I'm copying it here because it's a joy to read.
Hopefully Monday you'll read a post about my wonderful work out and how sore I am.
Here's Barbara's poem.
"I'll start a new one Monday", we've heard it all before,
but if I don't really start one soon I won't make it through the door.
I start with good intentions of that I can't deny,
I'm getting fatter by the hour, I'll really have to try.
So no more chips or chocolate, no more 'pigging out'
I'll be very careful of what I eat, of that there'll be no doubt.
I'll watch my waist get tiny, I'll watch my figure thin,
Oh what a joy it's going to be to at last be nice and slim.
I can see me walking down the street in dress size number ten,
(from Carolyn: NOOOO!!! 4!)
I just have to resist and resist I will when I get a hungry yen.
With exercise in every form and regular daily jogs,
you'll see me lazing by the pool in my top designer togs.
So come join me all you tubbies, come join with me at last,
I'll need all the help that I can get to get me through this fast.
If you see me eating lollies or sneaking greasy fries,
then smack my hand and click your tongue, remind me of my size.
I'm sure that I can make it, I just need a little space
before Monday comes around again, till then I'll "stuff my face"!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Health Insurance Doesn't Cover Stupid
Just one of those silly FB and email things...
***********FOODOLOGY***************
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Balsamic Vinegarette
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Cinco
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Mexican
What is your favorite pizza toppings?
Green pepper, black olives, crumbled sausage, tomatoes, spinach
What do you like to put on your toast?
Smuckers Mixed Fruit Jelly which they only sell in those little packets anymore and that really yanks my chain.
***********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many televisions are in your house?
Currently hooked up to cable: 4
Currently in use for VCR only: 1
Currently in the house but not in use though still working: 2
What color is your cellphone?
Black with a blue case
Do you have an iPod?
Yes, an I-touch. Best invention ever.
***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Left
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a baby, scar tissue, cysts
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
bags of my mother's clothes
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Briefly when my dog dragged me out of the vet and I hit a pole with my not so hard head.
************BULLOLOGY**************
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Foxy Roxy.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No. The hospital bill would be more expensive and health insurance doesn't cover stupid.
**************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season?
Fall
Holiday?
Doesn't really matter
Day of the week?
Monday when the kids go back to school
Month?
Who cares.
***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************
Missing someone?
Yes, many people like my parents in Indy but mostly my mom who I won't see again for a very long time.
Mood?
Varies often due to increasing PMS
What are you listening to?
The ceiling fan
Current worry?
If my husband's company will ever make money and if we can survive without it not making money for much longer.
***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning?
Downstairs to steam clean dog puke.
What's the last movie you saw?
The Ugly Truth
***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None. I don't wear them. I hate having something between my toes. Ew.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
We got pulled over coming back from my mom's memorial service and when he asked my husband where we were coming back from and we told him, he said, "Drive safely". Nice cop.
Last person you talked to?
My daughter Morgan who is making me nutty right now.
Last person you hugged?
My husband before he went to dinner at a place I like but he didn't ask me to go. Bastard. :)
Do you always answer your phone?
No, usually never.
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Someone drunk texting the wrong number!
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I like my eye color. It's a pretty blue.
Do you own a digital camera?
Two
Have you ever had a pet fish?
Several but my husband boiled the last few on accident.
Favorite Christmas song(s)?
Yikes. I hate Christmas songs.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Thin thighs.
Can you do push ups?
Yup but I don't like to.
Can you do the splits?
I haven't in some time but I could again, I'm sure. Though I don't know if I could GET UP from them.
Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
excited and nervous
Do you have any saved texts?
I did but not on this phone. I saved the ones where my husband says he loves me without me saying it first. Sad, I know.
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes.
Do you have an accent?
Of course, to foreigners I do.
What is the last movie to make you cry?
Marley & Me.
Plans tonight?
Hide from everyone.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Repeatedly based on different circumstances.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Coffee, a morning bun, a water.
Have you ever been given roses?
Yes.
Met someone who changed your life?
Yes, my husband.
What song represents you?
Right Now by Van Halen. Or at least I'd like it ot.
Name two people who might complete this?
No one. No one reads my blog.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes, to spend the last year of my mom's life with her doing things differently.
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Several people.
Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
5 ear piercings, 1 belly button piercing and 1 tattoo.
Does anyone love you?
I'd like to think they do.
Would you be a pirate?
No.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Journey or BoDeans.
Ever had someone sing to you?
Yes.
When did you last cry?
Today, while packing up my mother's things.
Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes.
Have you held hands with anyone today?
No.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My husband.
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Both.
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
EVERY FREAKING THING THEY CAN THINK OF!
***********FOODOLOGY***************
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Balsamic Vinegarette
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Cinco
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Mexican
What is your favorite pizza toppings?
Green pepper, black olives, crumbled sausage, tomatoes, spinach
What do you like to put on your toast?
Smuckers Mixed Fruit Jelly which they only sell in those little packets anymore and that really yanks my chain.
***********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many televisions are in your house?
Currently hooked up to cable: 4
Currently in use for VCR only: 1
Currently in the house but not in use though still working: 2
What color is your cellphone?
Black with a blue case
Do you have an iPod?
Yes, an I-touch. Best invention ever.
***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Left
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a baby, scar tissue, cysts
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
bags of my mother's clothes
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Briefly when my dog dragged me out of the vet and I hit a pole with my not so hard head.
************BULLOLOGY**************
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Foxy Roxy.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No. The hospital bill would be more expensive and health insurance doesn't cover stupid.
**************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season?
Fall
Holiday?
Doesn't really matter
Day of the week?
Monday when the kids go back to school
Month?
Who cares.
***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************
Missing someone?
Yes, many people like my parents in Indy but mostly my mom who I won't see again for a very long time.
Mood?
Varies often due to increasing PMS
What are you listening to?
The ceiling fan
Current worry?
If my husband's company will ever make money and if we can survive without it not making money for much longer.
***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning?
Downstairs to steam clean dog puke.
What's the last movie you saw?
The Ugly Truth
***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
None. I don't wear them. I hate having something between my toes. Ew.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
We got pulled over coming back from my mom's memorial service and when he asked my husband where we were coming back from and we told him, he said, "Drive safely". Nice cop.
Last person you talked to?
My daughter Morgan who is making me nutty right now.
Last person you hugged?
My husband before he went to dinner at a place I like but he didn't ask me to go. Bastard. :)
Do you always answer your phone?
No, usually never.
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Someone drunk texting the wrong number!
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I like my eye color. It's a pretty blue.
Do you own a digital camera?
Two
Have you ever had a pet fish?
Several but my husband boiled the last few on accident.
Favorite Christmas song(s)?
Yikes. I hate Christmas songs.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Thin thighs.
Can you do push ups?
Yup but I don't like to.
Can you do the splits?
I haven't in some time but I could again, I'm sure. Though I don't know if I could GET UP from them.
Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
excited and nervous
Do you have any saved texts?
I did but not on this phone. I saved the ones where my husband says he loves me without me saying it first. Sad, I know.
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes.
Do you have an accent?
Of course, to foreigners I do.
What is the last movie to make you cry?
Marley & Me.
Plans tonight?
Hide from everyone.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Repeatedly based on different circumstances.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Coffee, a morning bun, a water.
Have you ever been given roses?
Yes.
Met someone who changed your life?
Yes, my husband.
What song represents you?
Right Now by Van Halen. Or at least I'd like it ot.
Name two people who might complete this?
No one. No one reads my blog.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes, to spend the last year of my mom's life with her doing things differently.
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Several people.
Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
5 ear piercings, 1 belly button piercing and 1 tattoo.
Does anyone love you?
I'd like to think they do.
Would you be a pirate?
No.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Journey or BoDeans.
Ever had someone sing to you?
Yes.
When did you last cry?
Today, while packing up my mother's things.
Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes.
Have you held hands with anyone today?
No.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My husband.
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Both.
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
EVERY FREAKING THING THEY CAN THINK OF!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Dead is Dead
I have experienced death up close, personally. Not personally in the sense of some white light beckoning me or my spirit floating above my body only to be shocked back via some electric current. I’ve experienced death as a bystander. In reality, the bystander side seems like it’s probably worse. We’re left here to deal with death and its ugliness.
I literally watched my mother die. I curled my body into hers as she lay dying and watched her breathing go from rapid and labored to slow and infrequent and then just stop. People have expressed sadness at not being there when a loved one passed but I was there and there was nothing beautiful or peaceful about it. She didn’t look at peace. She didn’t look asleep. She just looked dead. And I felt dead. If I knew...if I felt she was ‘there’ before it happened...if I felt maybe she could hear what my brother and I were saying to her I might feel some sense of relief but I think she was gone already. Her body focused solely on her most important organs, not interested in anything other than basic survival and when that became too much, she just stopped being. It didn’t provide me with any consolation prize...any relief. Dead is dead.
I have always believed in an afterlife and I still do. I believe there is a God and my God has a Son who died for me and everyone else who has accepted him into their lives. This isn’t a question for me. It just is. Maybe I don’t always get what it means but it’s sort of like taxes. It is what it is and I accept it. I have also always believed that those who have died can somehow still communicate, be near or keep tabs on their loved ones still here. I’ve had experiences that have led me to believe this to be true. I never questioned it. Again, it’s one of those things that just is.
My mother and I often talked of her passing. I could talk easily of it because it wasn’t real. Once it became real, just thinking the words choked me up so saying them was impossible. But we had an agreement. She promised she would let me know she’s okay and I felt it was a sure thing, that once she was gone she’d find a way uniquely her own, to tell me she made it, was safe, happy, healthy or whatever and I’d know. I’d know she was where she was supposed to be.
It’s been a month now and I’m still waiting. I don’t question where she is. Her heart was golden and I believe she deserves Heaven and its glory and I’m sure she’s there living it up with those she loves who left before her. That isn’t my concern. What’s so upsetting to me is that I haven’t had my sign. Yes, shortly after she died I saw a lovely heart cloud pass over me but really, a cloud can be shaped like anything and that just wasn’t obvious enough for me. I was hoping for something more substantial. Something personal and something uniquely mom. I thought I’d dream of her. Nada. I got nothing. No dreams. No cold air on the back of my neck. No doors opening or pictures moving. No scent of her. Nothing. Dead is dead.
My whole belief system is shaken and stirred. What if she can’t contact me? What if that concept is just a pile of crap thrown upon us grievers to make us feel better? I’m beginning to wonder. Let’s face the facts. If you are a Christian and believe in Heaven and that it is truly what we’re taught, then truthfully, why would anyone in their right minds want to come back and even peek into the reality of earth? Seriously. Yes, they care for us and they love us but from what I understand once they’re gone they don’t have any care for earthly matters. And I’m starting to think that includes us. Not that we’re not still loved but that they see things differently and understand what we cannot possibly understand so they move on and know that eventually we will too, or not.
I hate that.
For me that means my mother is gone. She’s not ‘still with me’. She’s not ‘watching over me’. She’s just gone. Dead is dead. This theory is beginning to take shape in my heart because I don’t feel her. I don’t feel her around me. I don’t feel her inside me. I don’t feel like she’s still here, in my heart. I just feel like she’s dead. I feel this empty space deep within my soul and there’s no spirit floating around waiting for the right time to enter and fill me with peace.
Some people say I’m too involved in my grief to feel her. That I will, once I’m adjusted. Really? Listen people, the thing about death that really sucks is that life goes on. Every day happens whether you want it to or not. Whether I feel like getting up and facing the day, it’s there and I can’t just sit and dwell on the fact that my mother is gone. It is what it is and while I’m sad and I miss her, I’m really just pissed off. And not at the fact that she died. I’m pissed off because I thought I’d still feel her...that she’d ‘always be with me’ even though she was gone. I don’t. Dead is dead.
Maybe eventually I’ll feel differently about it. Maybe I’m in the middle of some step of the grieving process and tomorrow I’ll progress to the next step. Who knows? I’m not reading up on it. I don’t want to plan out my grieving. It is what it is and I just have to work with what I’ve got which sadly, right now, is nothing.
I know I’ll work through this and for the most part, I’ve come to accept the fact that my mother died and isn’t here. I still talk to her because on the off chance that she can hear me, I don’t want the backlash when I see her again because I didn’t talk to her. Heaven may be a wonderful place but God has no power over a pissed off mother. That’s one thing I’m sure of.
I literally watched my mother die. I curled my body into hers as she lay dying and watched her breathing go from rapid and labored to slow and infrequent and then just stop. People have expressed sadness at not being there when a loved one passed but I was there and there was nothing beautiful or peaceful about it. She didn’t look at peace. She didn’t look asleep. She just looked dead. And I felt dead. If I knew...if I felt she was ‘there’ before it happened...if I felt maybe she could hear what my brother and I were saying to her I might feel some sense of relief but I think she was gone already. Her body focused solely on her most important organs, not interested in anything other than basic survival and when that became too much, she just stopped being. It didn’t provide me with any consolation prize...any relief. Dead is dead.
I have always believed in an afterlife and I still do. I believe there is a God and my God has a Son who died for me and everyone else who has accepted him into their lives. This isn’t a question for me. It just is. Maybe I don’t always get what it means but it’s sort of like taxes. It is what it is and I accept it. I have also always believed that those who have died can somehow still communicate, be near or keep tabs on their loved ones still here. I’ve had experiences that have led me to believe this to be true. I never questioned it. Again, it’s one of those things that just is.
My mother and I often talked of her passing. I could talk easily of it because it wasn’t real. Once it became real, just thinking the words choked me up so saying them was impossible. But we had an agreement. She promised she would let me know she’s okay and I felt it was a sure thing, that once she was gone she’d find a way uniquely her own, to tell me she made it, was safe, happy, healthy or whatever and I’d know. I’d know she was where she was supposed to be.
It’s been a month now and I’m still waiting. I don’t question where she is. Her heart was golden and I believe she deserves Heaven and its glory and I’m sure she’s there living it up with those she loves who left before her. That isn’t my concern. What’s so upsetting to me is that I haven’t had my sign. Yes, shortly after she died I saw a lovely heart cloud pass over me but really, a cloud can be shaped like anything and that just wasn’t obvious enough for me. I was hoping for something more substantial. Something personal and something uniquely mom. I thought I’d dream of her. Nada. I got nothing. No dreams. No cold air on the back of my neck. No doors opening or pictures moving. No scent of her. Nothing. Dead is dead.
My whole belief system is shaken and stirred. What if she can’t contact me? What if that concept is just a pile of crap thrown upon us grievers to make us feel better? I’m beginning to wonder. Let’s face the facts. If you are a Christian and believe in Heaven and that it is truly what we’re taught, then truthfully, why would anyone in their right minds want to come back and even peek into the reality of earth? Seriously. Yes, they care for us and they love us but from what I understand once they’re gone they don’t have any care for earthly matters. And I’m starting to think that includes us. Not that we’re not still loved but that they see things differently and understand what we cannot possibly understand so they move on and know that eventually we will too, or not.
I hate that.
For me that means my mother is gone. She’s not ‘still with me’. She’s not ‘watching over me’. She’s just gone. Dead is dead. This theory is beginning to take shape in my heart because I don’t feel her. I don’t feel her around me. I don’t feel her inside me. I don’t feel like she’s still here, in my heart. I just feel like she’s dead. I feel this empty space deep within my soul and there’s no spirit floating around waiting for the right time to enter and fill me with peace.
Some people say I’m too involved in my grief to feel her. That I will, once I’m adjusted. Really? Listen people, the thing about death that really sucks is that life goes on. Every day happens whether you want it to or not. Whether I feel like getting up and facing the day, it’s there and I can’t just sit and dwell on the fact that my mother is gone. It is what it is and while I’m sad and I miss her, I’m really just pissed off. And not at the fact that she died. I’m pissed off because I thought I’d still feel her...that she’d ‘always be with me’ even though she was gone. I don’t. Dead is dead.
Maybe eventually I’ll feel differently about it. Maybe I’m in the middle of some step of the grieving process and tomorrow I’ll progress to the next step. Who knows? I’m not reading up on it. I don’t want to plan out my grieving. It is what it is and I just have to work with what I’ve got which sadly, right now, is nothing.
I know I’ll work through this and for the most part, I’ve come to accept the fact that my mother died and isn’t here. I still talk to her because on the off chance that she can hear me, I don’t want the backlash when I see her again because I didn’t talk to her. Heaven may be a wonderful place but God has no power over a pissed off mother. That’s one thing I’m sure of.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Children are Like Chickens...
I have this magnet on my refrigerator. I bought it as a joke right before moving in with my fiancée and two young daughters. Eleven years and a son later, I curse myself for not taking the magnet seriously and running no, bolting in the other direction. The magnet says, “Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken”. Clearly that magnet was created by a mother. Probably one who got out before it was too late.
Throughout the years of my marriage, I’ve awaken the same way. In bed or on the couch (or the backseat of my SUV, depending on how loud my husband snored that night). I slowly open one eye. If I’m lucky, it’s not glued shut from the allergy jam that settled in it that night because if I have to move anything other than that one eyelid, all hell breaks loose. My two dogs are then notified to my awakeness and jump to attention, expecting to be pet or fed or walked or told for the billionth time how cute they are. If luck persists, I can lie still for a few minutes and allow my body and brain to physically wake up. Sometimes I’m even able to move, pet the dogs quickly and get them out the door without much sound. Of course at that point the fifteen pound cat who thinks she’s a dog throws herself on the floor in front of me and does her daily ritual of roll-overs to impress me into petting her fluffy fat body. Which of course I do because she’s cute and if I don’t, she’ll howl loud enough to destroy my plan of getting five minutes of quiet time before everyone else wakes up.
I then get to tip toe through the house to the coffee pot so I can quietly make a pot of decaf coffee. Personally I think the decaf is pointless but the damage my already hyper husband would do to the walls while pinging off of them all day from caffeinated would stress me out so I sacrifice.
Once the coffee is made I tip toe with it to the couch (a skill I’ve mastered and should have amazing calves for but don’t because God is clearly a man) and I sit in sheer, orgasmic silence, sipping my sacrificial unleaded coffee until I hear the pitter patter of my sons feet down the stairs. This is usually about 20 seconds after I sit. His timing is impeccable. Goodbye alone time.
Honestly I don’t mind that he gets up when he does. He’s sleepy and mushy and always wants to snuggle; something I enjoy and try not to take for granted. The snuggling is quick, just as long as I can hold my breath because once I breathe I am engulfed in the stench of whatever it is that crawled into his mouth while he was sleeping, took a dump and then died . Really, I have my limits.
Once I’m ready to breathe again, I get up and my son turns on the TV. Usually it’s Nickelodeon. The worst network. Ever. I’ve considered sending death threats to its management but I’m pretty sure millions of other mothers have already and they probably wouldn’t take me seriously. And if they did, I don’t want to spend my life with my finger in the pocket of Big Sally, my new girlfriend, if you get my drift.
Before I know it, everyone is up and the whole, “Mom can I...”, “Mom, did you...”, “Mom,” “Mom,”, “Mom,” thing starts and the next thing I know it’s eleven years later, I’m forty-two, my thighs are expanding, my hair is graying and I think being institutionalized doesn’t sound all that bad. If only I’d realized the truth behind that magnet.
Throughout the years of my marriage, I’ve awaken the same way. In bed or on the couch (or the backseat of my SUV, depending on how loud my husband snored that night). I slowly open one eye. If I’m lucky, it’s not glued shut from the allergy jam that settled in it that night because if I have to move anything other than that one eyelid, all hell breaks loose. My two dogs are then notified to my awakeness and jump to attention, expecting to be pet or fed or walked or told for the billionth time how cute they are. If luck persists, I can lie still for a few minutes and allow my body and brain to physically wake up. Sometimes I’m even able to move, pet the dogs quickly and get them out the door without much sound. Of course at that point the fifteen pound cat who thinks she’s a dog throws herself on the floor in front of me and does her daily ritual of roll-overs to impress me into petting her fluffy fat body. Which of course I do because she’s cute and if I don’t, she’ll howl loud enough to destroy my plan of getting five minutes of quiet time before everyone else wakes up.
I then get to tip toe through the house to the coffee pot so I can quietly make a pot of decaf coffee. Personally I think the decaf is pointless but the damage my already hyper husband would do to the walls while pinging off of them all day from caffeinated would stress me out so I sacrifice.
Once the coffee is made I tip toe with it to the couch (a skill I’ve mastered and should have amazing calves for but don’t because God is clearly a man) and I sit in sheer, orgasmic silence, sipping my sacrificial unleaded coffee until I hear the pitter patter of my sons feet down the stairs. This is usually about 20 seconds after I sit. His timing is impeccable. Goodbye alone time.
Honestly I don’t mind that he gets up when he does. He’s sleepy and mushy and always wants to snuggle; something I enjoy and try not to take for granted. The snuggling is quick, just as long as I can hold my breath because once I breathe I am engulfed in the stench of whatever it is that crawled into his mouth while he was sleeping, took a dump and then died . Really, I have my limits.
Once I’m ready to breathe again, I get up and my son turns on the TV. Usually it’s Nickelodeon. The worst network. Ever. I’ve considered sending death threats to its management but I’m pretty sure millions of other mothers have already and they probably wouldn’t take me seriously. And if they did, I don’t want to spend my life with my finger in the pocket of Big Sally, my new girlfriend, if you get my drift.
Before I know it, everyone is up and the whole, “Mom can I...”, “Mom, did you...”, “Mom,” “Mom,”, “Mom,” thing starts and the next thing I know it’s eleven years later, I’m forty-two, my thighs are expanding, my hair is graying and I think being institutionalized doesn’t sound all that bad. If only I’d realized the truth behind that magnet.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The 100 Things in 100 Days is OUTTA HERE!
But not because I don't WANT to do it. Because I've thought and thought and thought and decided I'm right...it's too much, too soon and some of the things I want to do won't be possible in a day. Instead, I'm doing 100 things in 1 year. I can't do the 100 things in 1001 days because frankly, that's too long and I'll lose my umph. Not that I even have my umph yet but I'm hoping to either acquire some or buy some at the umph store today. I really need the umph.
I'm also thinking that I need a theme for this. A "stepping out of my comfort zone" thing or a "what the hell am I thinking" theme. I'm working on that. I could do a simple, "100 things to do to torture my children in 1 year" theme but that wouldn't be nice. Fun, but not nice. So I'm working on the theme and working on the things and my goal is to have them done by the end of the week.
On a similar note...I've spent the last few months taking care of my mom and really thinking about her life. The person she was, the person I saw and the person I wanted her to be. It's taught me a lot and damn if I didn't get the chance to tell her before she passed. I wanted to but I didn't want her to be sad. I did tell her many things and some things I didn't need to because she just knew. We were close and though she was a far better person than I can ever hope to be, she thought I was okay and saw the good in me even when I was a royal bitch.
My mother lived her life FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Her parents. Her husband. Her children. Her grandchildren. She moved to GA to help me with my kids so I could work when she was in her late 60's. In 2001 she had routine open heart surgery to replace her mitro-valve and stroked. Her life changed completely. So my mother spent HER WHOLE LIFE taking care of others and doing things for other people. She truly never had any free time to do what she wanted without the responsibility of others. At the point of her stroke she was helping me and then 9 years later she died and she never got the chance to just live her life for herself. That breaks my heart.
I've been thinking about that. In some ways, I've sort of done that since getting married. I gave up my career shortly after her stroke because of 911 - I felt uncomfortable traveling while my husband was doing the same. I stayed home and became a full time mom. I've been 'waiting' for my kids to grow up. Waiting until they could stay home alone and then maybe I could take some time for me. Then with my mother needing me, I waited more. Now my kids are older but I haven't felt like I can stop waiting because the girls are teenagers and they almost need me more even though they don't see it that way. Also, my husband has had a great career and I have been waiting until it is set and then I can do for me. Now his career has shifted and he's started his own business so alas, I wait again.
I don't want to wait and wait until I am dead and can't do what's right for me. I'm not as selfless as my mother. I don't like waiting. And the problem is, I've become so accustomed to it, so BORED, that I really don't feel like I want to do anything.
So that's the reason for the 100 things in 1 year.
Here's where you insert the shit to another subject:
I just purchased a DVD for T Tapping. It's "a total body workout that can deliver major inch-loss quickly". My sister in law swears by it. She said she lost 1 inch on her butt last week. I could do cardio and weights for 24 hours a day for a year and not do that. So the DVD is $20 right now and I bought it. I'll have it in 8 days (shipping is like snail mail with UPS these days unless you pay out the wazoo). I'm going to do it. It's 15 minutes a day and since I'm bored and waiting, 15 minutes shouldn't break my time bank, right? Just something to add to my weight loss program that really should be considered a weight gain program.
Apparently I have to (eeks!) MEASURE MY BODY before I start and then measure again in a week. I'm worried that the first measuring will send me into a major depression and I'll eat myself to my death but I'm going to hide myself in my bathroom, measure and then cry until I can't cry any more and then T Tap. For those of you hundreds of people who read this silly blog (not!) the website is http://www.t-tapp.com/
I have to figure out how to link on this thing.
Okay. So that's where I'm at. I've got to run now and figure out what to put on my list and what theme to go with. Wish me luck. I need it!
I'm also thinking that I need a theme for this. A "stepping out of my comfort zone" thing or a "what the hell am I thinking" theme. I'm working on that. I could do a simple, "100 things to do to torture my children in 1 year" theme but that wouldn't be nice. Fun, but not nice. So I'm working on the theme and working on the things and my goal is to have them done by the end of the week.
On a similar note...I've spent the last few months taking care of my mom and really thinking about her life. The person she was, the person I saw and the person I wanted her to be. It's taught me a lot and damn if I didn't get the chance to tell her before she passed. I wanted to but I didn't want her to be sad. I did tell her many things and some things I didn't need to because she just knew. We were close and though she was a far better person than I can ever hope to be, she thought I was okay and saw the good in me even when I was a royal bitch.
My mother lived her life FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Her parents. Her husband. Her children. Her grandchildren. She moved to GA to help me with my kids so I could work when she was in her late 60's. In 2001 she had routine open heart surgery to replace her mitro-valve and stroked. Her life changed completely. So my mother spent HER WHOLE LIFE taking care of others and doing things for other people. She truly never had any free time to do what she wanted without the responsibility of others. At the point of her stroke she was helping me and then 9 years later she died and she never got the chance to just live her life for herself. That breaks my heart.
I've been thinking about that. In some ways, I've sort of done that since getting married. I gave up my career shortly after her stroke because of 911 - I felt uncomfortable traveling while my husband was doing the same. I stayed home and became a full time mom. I've been 'waiting' for my kids to grow up. Waiting until they could stay home alone and then maybe I could take some time for me. Then with my mother needing me, I waited more. Now my kids are older but I haven't felt like I can stop waiting because the girls are teenagers and they almost need me more even though they don't see it that way. Also, my husband has had a great career and I have been waiting until it is set and then I can do for me. Now his career has shifted and he's started his own business so alas, I wait again.
I don't want to wait and wait until I am dead and can't do what's right for me. I'm not as selfless as my mother. I don't like waiting. And the problem is, I've become so accustomed to it, so BORED, that I really don't feel like I want to do anything.
So that's the reason for the 100 things in 1 year.
Here's where you insert the shit to another subject:
I just purchased a DVD for T Tapping. It's "a total body workout that can deliver major inch-loss quickly". My sister in law swears by it. She said she lost 1 inch on her butt last week. I could do cardio and weights for 24 hours a day for a year and not do that. So the DVD is $20 right now and I bought it. I'll have it in 8 days (shipping is like snail mail with UPS these days unless you pay out the wazoo). I'm going to do it. It's 15 minutes a day and since I'm bored and waiting, 15 minutes shouldn't break my time bank, right? Just something to add to my weight loss program that really should be considered a weight gain program.
Apparently I have to (eeks!) MEASURE MY BODY before I start and then measure again in a week. I'm worried that the first measuring will send me into a major depression and I'll eat myself to my death but I'm going to hide myself in my bathroom, measure and then cry until I can't cry any more and then T Tap. For those of you hundreds of people who read this silly blog (not!) the website is http://www.t-tapp.com/
I have to figure out how to link on this thing.
Okay. So that's where I'm at. I've got to run now and figure out what to put on my list and what theme to go with. Wish me luck. I need it!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Rethinking the Whole 100 Things in 100 Days Idea...
It's not that I don't 'want' to do it. It's more that maybe I need to rethink the time frame. The people who started the "100 Things in 1001 Days" are probably right. It's easier to extend the time. Some things I just won't be able to get done in that short of a time frame. Plus, some things will require more time. So I'm going to rethink the time frame and once I figure out a reasonable amount of time, I'll start.
Probably in about 10 years. Okay, maybe not but close. At least that's the way I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed. Tired. Fat. BUT...the good news is that I'm going to do this. Most likely. If I can motivate myself. No, wait. I AM going to do this just after I get my list done.
Wow, I need help, don't I? Geesh.
Probably in about 10 years. Okay, maybe not but close. At least that's the way I'm feeling right now. Overwhelmed. Tired. Fat. BUT...the good news is that I'm going to do this. Most likely. If I can motivate myself. No, wait. I AM going to do this just after I get my list done.
Wow, I need help, don't I? Geesh.
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