Sometimes things happen that you never imagined could. Sometimes you realize something you thought was one thing is actually something else. What do you do when that happens? You process. Or at least that's what I do. Right now I'm processing things and refocusing my thoughts in a new direction. I'm not strongly opposed to change but admittedly, I'd prefer things stay the same, as long as 'the same' isn't bad. Unfortunately sometimes things change and there's just nothing to be done but go with the flow and move forward. I guess you can move backward or even try to fight the change but what's the point? It's coming head on regardless of what you do and you just have to push through it until it's the new normal.
Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. I believe with the utmost certainly, the only unconditional love (religious beliefs aside) is the love of a parent to a child. And honestly, there are some who aren't even capable of that. Love in any other form isn't a sure thing and can change with the blink of an eye. Sometimes the change means growth and other times it's a death sentence. That's just life. I recently realized that since my parents are both dead, I no longer have that unconditional love and it was a humbling thought. It made me realize that the love I do have from people is fragile and must be treated with kindness. Not that I always take advantage of those I love and who love me but let's face it, it happens to all of us.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. Well, yeah, I am but I just don't know if this is the right place to say it, actually. I guess the point is that life is full of change and expectations are not always met and faith is not always restored but it is what it is and if we go with it, most of the time it works out for the best, whatever that may be. Or at least I hope it does.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Life Goes On
Saturday night was tough. I couldn't sleep. This doesn't happen daily but as I get older, it happens more often. My mind wasn't racing. In fact, I couldn't actually 'think' about anything for any consistent amount of time and no bad song lyrics (or good ones for that matter) were stuck on repeat in my head. I wasn't feeling any specific emotion, except of course, frustration because I couldn't sleep. I wasn't anxious, over tired, restless, sad, mad, happy. I just couldn't sleep.
I've tried different techniques to fall asleep and sometimes they work but this night, nothing seemed to. Sometimes all it takes is a change of room...the guest room, the family room...a room that's different...and I can fall asleep but that didn't even work Saturday night.
My son had the same problem that night as well because at 4 AM he was tapping on my shoulder telling me he couldn't sleep. We decided to go to the family room and hang out together. I guess quality time is quality time regardless of the actual hour, right?
Sadly, my son's favorite channel is the Military Channel and I was subjected to two hours of a WWII documentary. I'm by no means a war or military buff but I suffered through it for the sake of my son. Finally, at 6 AM I decided to see if my favorite Starbucks was opened and we headed out. Sadly, it wasn't. Instead my son and I went to McDonald's so he could have breakfast while I watched and waited for the Starbucks doors to unlock.
Sitting in that McDonald's reminded me of the times I would go there with my father for breakfast. He loved McDonald's breakfasts. Until of course, his heart attack and then he wasn't allowed to go more than rarely. While my son sat and ate, I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I started to miss my dad. I always miss him but as time goes on, the sadness fades and life continues. Sometimes it creeps up on me and I start to feel this overwhelming sense of loss and it takes me a few minutes to get it under control...to be able to breathe normally again. No one really notices it, especially my son, thankfully. It seems silly that a simple trip to McDonald's would open the hole losing my dad has left in my heart but it's really those little things that impact me the most. I think that's what everyone says when they've lost someone they love but it never really seems true until you experience it yourself.
Because, as we all know, life goes on.
That's the part about losing someone that frustrates me now, at this stage of my losses. Life goes on. There is this big empty space in my heart...in my soul and I feel the loss so strongly but it's my personal loss. As I sat in that McDonald's with my son, I realized that while my parents, in my eyes, were the most amazing people to grace this earth, not everyone else thought that or even knew them. In fact, more people than not had no clue they even existed. The people in that McDonald's continued through their days and that day in particular, without my parents in their lives and weren't even phased by that while I sat there feeling a loss so profound and intense I couldn't breathe.
Life goes on. People wake up and do what they do every day. Buses take kids to school. Trains move masses of people to and from, to and from. Planes fly. Starbucks continues to make coffee (and thank God for that). Spring has even sprung here in Atlanta and we're already heading into summer. Life goes on. All without my dad and my mom.
Sitting in that McDonald's, I realized the unfairness of that. Life goes on even though the world lost two amazing people and it seems as if their mark on the world is gone now, too. Sure they have family to carry on. Little bits of their DNA are moving through the world but for me, that's not enough. It's all I've got but still, it's not enough. I realize most people feel this way when they lose someone they love and I know it's the way the world works but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
I just can't comprehend that my parents are gone and every day goes on just like the day before. I'm doing a lousy job of explaining it. I guess the best I can say is that sometimes, like in that McDonald's, I want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "My parents are dead and you're walking around like the world is the same but it's not!" Because for me, the world is different and it will never be the same.
The world for me is now the world of 'after my parents died' instead of the 'before my parents died' world.
I'm not sad every day anymore. Like I said, it comes and goes and that physical pain in my chest...that inability to breathe...that feeling of total helplessness, it's all gone. I spend most of my days happy and can think about my parents without feeling sad. That's progress for me and I feel I'm moving forward in my grief but every so often it slaps me in the face and I'm shocked to realize
that it's actually true, my parents are dead.
I thought maybe writing this would resolve something for me. That maybe I'd understand the feeling better but I don't. Life still goes on and there is still a sense of loss for me and a slight feeling of anger that no one else in the world really notices the difference. The sun still shines and the wind still blows but for me, everything is just a little different now. Not bad or worse, just different.
I've tried different techniques to fall asleep and sometimes they work but this night, nothing seemed to. Sometimes all it takes is a change of room...the guest room, the family room...a room that's different...and I can fall asleep but that didn't even work Saturday night.
My son had the same problem that night as well because at 4 AM he was tapping on my shoulder telling me he couldn't sleep. We decided to go to the family room and hang out together. I guess quality time is quality time regardless of the actual hour, right?
Sadly, my son's favorite channel is the Military Channel and I was subjected to two hours of a WWII documentary. I'm by no means a war or military buff but I suffered through it for the sake of my son. Finally, at 6 AM I decided to see if my favorite Starbucks was opened and we headed out. Sadly, it wasn't. Instead my son and I went to McDonald's so he could have breakfast while I watched and waited for the Starbucks doors to unlock.
Sitting in that McDonald's reminded me of the times I would go there with my father for breakfast. He loved McDonald's breakfasts. Until of course, his heart attack and then he wasn't allowed to go more than rarely. While my son sat and ate, I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I started to miss my dad. I always miss him but as time goes on, the sadness fades and life continues. Sometimes it creeps up on me and I start to feel this overwhelming sense of loss and it takes me a few minutes to get it under control...to be able to breathe normally again. No one really notices it, especially my son, thankfully. It seems silly that a simple trip to McDonald's would open the hole losing my dad has left in my heart but it's really those little things that impact me the most. I think that's what everyone says when they've lost someone they love but it never really seems true until you experience it yourself.
Because, as we all know, life goes on.
That's the part about losing someone that frustrates me now, at this stage of my losses. Life goes on. There is this big empty space in my heart...in my soul and I feel the loss so strongly but it's my personal loss. As I sat in that McDonald's with my son, I realized that while my parents, in my eyes, were the most amazing people to grace this earth, not everyone else thought that or even knew them. In fact, more people than not had no clue they even existed. The people in that McDonald's continued through their days and that day in particular, without my parents in their lives and weren't even phased by that while I sat there feeling a loss so profound and intense I couldn't breathe.
Life goes on. People wake up and do what they do every day. Buses take kids to school. Trains move masses of people to and from, to and from. Planes fly. Starbucks continues to make coffee (and thank God for that). Spring has even sprung here in Atlanta and we're already heading into summer. Life goes on. All without my dad and my mom.
Sitting in that McDonald's, I realized the unfairness of that. Life goes on even though the world lost two amazing people and it seems as if their mark on the world is gone now, too. Sure they have family to carry on. Little bits of their DNA are moving through the world but for me, that's not enough. It's all I've got but still, it's not enough. I realize most people feel this way when they lose someone they love and I know it's the way the world works but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
I just can't comprehend that my parents are gone and every day goes on just like the day before. I'm doing a lousy job of explaining it. I guess the best I can say is that sometimes, like in that McDonald's, I want to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "My parents are dead and you're walking around like the world is the same but it's not!" Because for me, the world is different and it will never be the same.
The world for me is now the world of 'after my parents died' instead of the 'before my parents died' world.
I'm not sad every day anymore. Like I said, it comes and goes and that physical pain in my chest...that inability to breathe...that feeling of total helplessness, it's all gone. I spend most of my days happy and can think about my parents without feeling sad. That's progress for me and I feel I'm moving forward in my grief but every so often it slaps me in the face and I'm shocked to realize
that it's actually true, my parents are dead.
I thought maybe writing this would resolve something for me. That maybe I'd understand the feeling better but I don't. Life still goes on and there is still a sense of loss for me and a slight feeling of anger that no one else in the world really notices the difference. The sun still shines and the wind still blows but for me, everything is just a little different now. Not bad or worse, just different.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Music Therapy
I think I've said this before but it doesn't hurt to repeat it. I love music. Really, what's not to love? Music has an impact on me and many others that has shaped and at times, defined my life.
I'm reading a book right now about a woman who is a music therapist. She uses music to work with emotional issues, trauma victims and disabilities. The concept sparked interest for me and I've googled and binged it enough to now believe music therapy is an excellent option for people who fall into those categories. I firmly believe for many, music is therapy.
I grew up listening to music. I remember nights sitting in our living room with my dad, listening to the Glenn Miller Orchestra or Neil Diamond and countless other performers from the 40's and 50's. We'd sit and listen and eat Malted Milk Balls while drinking calorie laden Dr. Pepper from glass bottles. I could afford to drink full throttle drinks like that as a child. Now? Not so much. Today when I hear "Chattanooga Choo Choo" or "Cherry Cherry" I almost feel transported back in time to that same living room and the little girl I used to be. Granamials and all.
I admit to being picky about my music. I like what I like and it's not always what someone else likes. Come to think of it, that's pretty much how I am about most everything in my life. I'm not closed minded about music but I have a preference and I can tell, immediately if something I hear is going to be a winner for me or not. First impressions are everything, I guess.
My husband and I disagree about the purpose of music in life. He defines it as background noise. Something he can take or leave. I consider it something much more substantial. Neil Diamond has a song called "Song Sung Blue". The premise of the words is that most people, when sad, turn on a song to validate those feelings and wallow, so to speak but once the music plays, they can't help but sing along and ultimately feel better. There's just something in the chords, the words, the rhythm...something that sparks our happy to push through and make an appearance. He's right. Sometimes even a sad song can make me feel better.
Music has a connection to my past, my present and my future. I can sit in a room, listen to my iTouch and think about any phase in my life, past or future, in relation to a song. "Against All Odds", an 80's classic, brings back memories of my first real love and the emotional torture I felt when it ended. Of course now I don't feel that torture. Instead, I feel nostalgic and it reminds me of the innocence of that time, not the pain and drama I felt then. Phil Collins can take me back to that innocence in three minutes, like it was just yesterday.
Right Now by Valen Halen (the Sammy years, which I liked much more than the DLR ones), is a theme song of sorts for me. The song focuses me on the now and the future. What I'm doing now impacts what I'll do later so make now worth it. Make it count. What's stopping me? I listen to that song every time I'm on the elliptical at the gym and I want to get off. It reminds me of why I'm there in the first place.
Music is about emotion. It's a beat stuck in our head that can drive us crazy (that It's Friday song needs to be put out of it's misery, please) or a phrase that makes us feel good (I can't sing Hey Soul Sister and feel bad. I just can't). Music can lift me out of what's happening now and transport me anywhere I want to be. I miss my mom, so I listen to country from the 80's because she loved that. I miss my dad and Frank Sinatra's Summer Wind connects me to him.
Yes, I'm picky. I prefer male voices to female, though there are some I like. I have no interest in rap or hip hop and really, jazz doesn't do a whole lot for me. I tend to gravitate toward 'rockabilly', BoDeans, Blue Rodeo, the like. I like what most radio stations never play and have my iTouch near my side 24/7 - except the hell of losing it for 42 days though it was right in front of me the whole time. Pure torture, really.
Some people don't really feel the same about music and it makes me sad for them. They're missing out on so much. My daughter never understood my attachment to music. I remember telling her that one day it would make a big difference in her life and she'd have it on all of the time. She couldn't see that as an option but now, she totally gets it. At least, after all this time, I did something right!
I'm reading a book right now about a woman who is a music therapist. She uses music to work with emotional issues, trauma victims and disabilities. The concept sparked interest for me and I've googled and binged it enough to now believe music therapy is an excellent option for people who fall into those categories. I firmly believe for many, music is therapy.
I grew up listening to music. I remember nights sitting in our living room with my dad, listening to the Glenn Miller Orchestra or Neil Diamond and countless other performers from the 40's and 50's. We'd sit and listen and eat Malted Milk Balls while drinking calorie laden Dr. Pepper from glass bottles. I could afford to drink full throttle drinks like that as a child. Now? Not so much. Today when I hear "Chattanooga Choo Choo" or "Cherry Cherry" I almost feel transported back in time to that same living room and the little girl I used to be. Granamials and all.
I admit to being picky about my music. I like what I like and it's not always what someone else likes. Come to think of it, that's pretty much how I am about most everything in my life. I'm not closed minded about music but I have a preference and I can tell, immediately if something I hear is going to be a winner for me or not. First impressions are everything, I guess.
My husband and I disagree about the purpose of music in life. He defines it as background noise. Something he can take or leave. I consider it something much more substantial. Neil Diamond has a song called "Song Sung Blue". The premise of the words is that most people, when sad, turn on a song to validate those feelings and wallow, so to speak but once the music plays, they can't help but sing along and ultimately feel better. There's just something in the chords, the words, the rhythm...something that sparks our happy to push through and make an appearance. He's right. Sometimes even a sad song can make me feel better.
Music has a connection to my past, my present and my future. I can sit in a room, listen to my iTouch and think about any phase in my life, past or future, in relation to a song. "Against All Odds", an 80's classic, brings back memories of my first real love and the emotional torture I felt when it ended. Of course now I don't feel that torture. Instead, I feel nostalgic and it reminds me of the innocence of that time, not the pain and drama I felt then. Phil Collins can take me back to that innocence in three minutes, like it was just yesterday.
Right Now by Valen Halen (the Sammy years, which I liked much more than the DLR ones), is a theme song of sorts for me. The song focuses me on the now and the future. What I'm doing now impacts what I'll do later so make now worth it. Make it count. What's stopping me? I listen to that song every time I'm on the elliptical at the gym and I want to get off. It reminds me of why I'm there in the first place.
Music is about emotion. It's a beat stuck in our head that can drive us crazy (that It's Friday song needs to be put out of it's misery, please) or a phrase that makes us feel good (I can't sing Hey Soul Sister and feel bad. I just can't). Music can lift me out of what's happening now and transport me anywhere I want to be. I miss my mom, so I listen to country from the 80's because she loved that. I miss my dad and Frank Sinatra's Summer Wind connects me to him.
Yes, I'm picky. I prefer male voices to female, though there are some I like. I have no interest in rap or hip hop and really, jazz doesn't do a whole lot for me. I tend to gravitate toward 'rockabilly', BoDeans, Blue Rodeo, the like. I like what most radio stations never play and have my iTouch near my side 24/7 - except the hell of losing it for 42 days though it was right in front of me the whole time. Pure torture, really.
Some people don't really feel the same about music and it makes me sad for them. They're missing out on so much. My daughter never understood my attachment to music. I remember telling her that one day it would make a big difference in her life and she'd have it on all of the time. She couldn't see that as an option but now, she totally gets it. At least, after all this time, I did something right!
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