Growing up in Indianapolis, I had a friend named Naseem. We were close friends through elementary school but after I moved out of state in sixth grade, the friendship dissolved. It’s hard to keep up a friendship at that age with so many miles between you but I never forgot about her and always held a special place in my heart.
Years later, I was visiting my father in Indianapolis and he was reading the obituaries. I’m not sure when he started that and thought it was strange but I now do it too and it makes sense to me. While reading them, he mentioned, in casual conversation that a friend of mine had died. Naseem is not a common name and thus easily remembered. I was shocked. This was 1987, we were 20 years old.
Naseem was in a car accident in NYC and died instantly. I hadn’t talked to my friend in years but it made me sad. Sad for her and for her family and also for me. As I said, she held a special place in my heart and her passing impacted because she was my first ‘friend’ to die.
Her memorial service was that day and I decided to go. I didn’t talk to anyone and only stayed a minute but I felt it was important to pay my respects. I remembered the good times I shared with her as a child and felt sad for the lost chance to ever rekindle that friendship.
After she passed, I started dreaming about her. Actually, I didn’t dream about her as much as she was in my dreams. She wasn’t a part of my dreams but she was there. No one in the dream saw her. She wasn’t involved in whatever was happening in the dreams either. It was as if I would step out of the dream and have a conversation with her. She always talked to me about something happening in my life at the time. Something I was struggling with. Something I needed to work through and it never once had anything to do with the dream. She was separate from it entirely. I have not had a dream with her in it for many, many years. I just figured she’d moved on or I didn’t need her anymore.
I always felt she was there as some sort of guardian angel, helping me through a tough time. After the first few dreams, I sent her mother a letter and let her know how Naseem had impacted my life as a child and continued to as a young adult. Her mother appreciated it and we kept in touch for some time. Each time I go back to Indianapolis, to this day, I make an effort to visit her final resting place. I don’t always get there but usually do so at least once a year. I don’t stay long. I simply go, say hello and acknowledge that I still think of her and move on. I’m not sure why but I do.
The holidays have been a bit tough for me this year. It’s the first without my mom and I find myself struggling to be happy, to be involved in them. I’m going through the motions but feel sort of like a zombie. They don’t really matter. I understand the feeling and realize it’s a part of the grieving process so I’m just trying to let it happen and get through it the best I can.
The other night I had this strange dream. I was at a table with a bunch of friends and Simon Cowell. Well, first it was Simon and then he became Kevin Costner. The women at the table were all interacting and talking and I was just sitting there, not really speaking, not really interacting. Sort of like I feel lately; just kind of going through the motions. Eventually everyone got up from the table, except me. I have no idea where they were going.
I just sat there for a minute and then suddenly, there’s Naseem, next to me. I couldn’t really see her clearly. She was more like a voice than an actual person but I knew it was her. She told me, clear as day, “You need to get on with your life.” I looked at ‘her’ (which was more like a fuzzy aura) and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m grieving.” She simply replied, “I understand, believe me. But you need to get on with your life.”
And then she was gone and I woke up.
I know my friend came back to me at a time when I needed someone; someone to tell me to move on and start living my life again, not just go through the motions. I would have liked to talk with her longer. Maybe ask her HOW to do that. It’s not that I’m not trying. I was making progress, going through the stages of grief but functioning and working at starting to work toward some goals again. Then the holidays came and I tried very hard to be festive. I decorated the house, I shopped for gifts, I made plans. Unfortunately it’s all just there and I feel numb to it. I’ll get through it and I know I’ll be okay but I think Naseem wanted to give me a swift kick in the ass to push myself.
I’m forever fascinated at the power of faith and I believe God uses those we love to help us through hard times or questionable circumstances in our lives. I believe Naseem is watching over many people and only comes when needed. I don’t know if I’ll see her again but those few words are weighing heavily on my heart and I’m trying to figure out a way to do what she said. Hopefully once the holidays are through, I’ll be able to.
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