On Forgiveness...

Last night my husband and I went to dinner with our best friends. They have been our friends since 2003 but really, the friendship kicked into high gear after that Christmas. They're good people. (Yes, Peter, I'm talking about you and your wife who never reads my blog so I won't name her!)

They make me laugh. Peter was trying to talk while sitting on his hands and couldn't do it. It's okay. No one wants him to talk without his hands. It takes away from the experience of his story, which is always humorous, even if it's not supposed to be. Really, when you hang out with Peter, it's hard to be in a bad mood. Unless his wife is. Then it's best to run screaming.

Anyway, he made mention of reading my blog in the way that he always does, just by gently acknowledging it in an casual way. He also made mention that I have mentioned other friends and not them so now I have.

Can I move on to another subject now, Peter?

Actually, after dinner, my husband and I were giggling about them, as we always do. We have rarely left a night out with them feeling crappy. Usually if we do, it's because my husband becomes mean Jack or I'm in a crappy mood - not because of them. And that works. :) We had a relationship that was just ending when we met Peter and unnamed wife that wore us down and made us feel crappy so this one is a nice change.

(Peter, notice the nice transition into the subject of my blog here, please.)

This got me thinking. I've been reading a LOT lately and read something about forgiveness. Apparently it's good for the soul and all that. I read that if you don't forgive someone or someones, it can eat away at you, make you older, sick, whatever but that apparently, it's not good to not forgive. Here's my problems with that theory:
1. What if you just don't want to forgive? If the person or people don't deserve it or if you've tried and you can't?
or
2. What if it just doesn't matter anymore and there's nothing in you that gives a rats ass about the person or people, to forgive?

See, the thing is, this couple that we were friends with...prior to really getting to know Peter and his unnamed wife... and my husband and I, had a falling out and the friendship did not end well. I was told to forgive this 'friend' for what she did to me and for awhile, I tried. I truly tried. But it didn't work.

In a nutshell, what happened was silly and immature and I have come to understand after all this time, not at all my fault. Trust me, I took blame for it for some time but realize my actions in the incident were reactions to what was happening.

I realized this friend wasn't really my friend at all and instead felt jealous and insecure. I started to see the friendship for what it was and took steps to move my life in another direction. I began getting to know people at my health club and establishing relationships with others so I wasn't tied to having just one friend, which is pretty much how it had been for five years. (this is where Peter and his unnamed wife come in.)

This friend didn't like that. She told me that she and her husband really didn't like to have a big group of friends and liked to have just one or two couples that they hung out with. Which is funny because years before she said the opposite. Whatever. I felt things were starting to change and I felt it was right for me to move forward in my life in a direction that didn't center on that relationship. I didn't shut her out. I didn't blow her off. I invited her to places with us but it just wasn't her thing and that was fine. She had always done what was best for her as an individual when it came to things in our friendship and I hadn't. It was time I did and I made that choice.

Around the same time she and I both mentioned to each other that we wanted to have some cosmetic changes made to ourselves. I had been thinking about it for some time but hadn't said anything because I didn't want to create any tension in the relationship. As I said, I felt some jealousy issues on her part (though she accused me of them, actually) and I didn't want to make things worse.

I mentioned to her that if I were to have this procedure done and she wouldn't, would she be mad at me. She said yes. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if someone has something that you want and you get mad, that's called envy and jealousy, right? Just checking.

I thought about it for some time and decided to have the procedure done and it came to be that her husband would not allow her to, even though he'd promised her she could. I felt bad but took a page from her book and did it because it felt right for me and I wanted to think of myself and my feelings for a change.

Yup, she got mad. It pushed that growing wall between us even further into the mix and I knew it would. Could I have NOT done it? Sure but I made a decision and her jealousy was hers to deal with, not mine. Besides, she also told me she would do it whether I was upset or not so I figured what the hell.

A few other things happened that drove the friendship further apart and eventually it took a final blow. I was fine with it. I had made friends and worked hard to break away from the negativity my husband and I continued to feel in their presence.

After the final blow (or what I thought was the final blow), she called my house. I didn't answer but my husband didn't know her cell number and did. Since she lived right across the street from me, I knew she knew I was home and I felt like I should answer. She wanted to meet for a drink to talk. I didn't want to do it but felt it was the right thing to do. I know now that it was not.

Prior to that I'd written her a letter telling her what I felt I had done wrong in our relationship (I'm big on closure) and held her responsible for her actions too. She wanted to talk about that. We did. She told me that I was her best friend and she did not want the friendship to end and that I meant the world to her. That she loved me and that many of the things I'd written in that letter were correct.

I took that information home, processed it and talked to my husband. He was done. He wanted nothing to do with them and while I knew in my heart, he was right, I felt like I needed to 'make sure'. I made an effort to be her friend. I spent time with her and she treated me fine. Her husband, whom I hadn't liked in a long time, was nice and even asked for my husband's help in looking at a house they were buying to make sure it didn't have any major problems. He didn't want to do it but did it because I asked him to.

They moved about two weeks later. The night they left a group of men in pick up trucks came to their house across from us (they still owned it) and started walking around it. I called her to let her know. Her daughter answered the phone and I heard my 'best friend' say in the back ground, "Tell her you don't know where I am."

And I was done. I was hurt and I was pissed. I went out of my way for this woman who claimed all this wonderful BS about how she felt about me because I thought it was the right thing to do and she yet again, stabbed me in the back. Would I ever learn? She'd moved from across the street from us and her husband, I'm sure, decided the friendship was over. Control freak that he was. And still is, I'm sure.

I never called her again. I did see her a few times along the way and ignored her. Except for once when I saw her on the street and honked and flipped her off. Clearly the forgiving thing wasn't working for me. Hey, I thought to hit her with my car but I didn't. Progress, right? She called me right after and I didn't answer. I knew there was nothing left to say and I didn't want to deal with it.

She knows what she did. She knows that she told me all of that stuff and that I made that effort for her to slap me in the face again. The thing is, I think she actually meant it. I think the friendship ended that way because her husband has a big ego and couldn't do it. I said some things about him that pissed him off (because they were true) and he couldn't forgive. Maybe he should read the stuff I read recently.

Since then, I've seen her searching for me on a few things like reunion.com and Facebook. She blocked me on Facebook which cracks me up because I would never try to friend her. I actually sent her an email on reunion.com once and said if she's that interested in my life then she should just ask me about it. I would talk to her. I wouldn't be rude to her. I wouldn't be her best friend but I wouldn't be rude. Not anymore. She just doesn't really matter anymore.

And that's where we get back to this forgiveness thing. I haven't forgiven her for what she did to me. I tried but for a long time I was hurt and angry and I couldn't. Then the hurt and anger went away. It wasn't a process of forgiveness. It was a process of "there's a lot of other stuff in my life and she's simply not important" and it just stopped mattering.

Why should I put the effort into forgiving someone when it no longer matters to me? I don't feel anger or hurt or anything toward her. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her and her family but honestly, I don't care if anything good happens either. I simply don't care anymore.

Some people might say that I still care if I'm writing about this but the fact is, when analyzing my life before the new year (which I always do), the only people I could come up with that I might need to forgive are her and her husband. Otherwise, I got nothing. And after thinking about it, I realized you have to care about a situation or a person if you want to forgive them and I simply don't. She's like that stranger at the mall who walks past you. You don't want anything bad to happen to them but they have absolutely no impact on your life whatsoever.

So is forgiveness really all it's cracked up to be? Sure, if that person is an active part of your life, I think so. I think it can eat away at you, the hurt and anger or whatever but if that person is gone and your feelings for them are gone too, there's simply nothing to forgive.

Since that friendship ended, Peter and his unnamed wife and my husband and I have become close. She and I talk daily, usually several times. We are very similar and do not have any problems in our relationship. We don't argue. I know that if I truly need someone, she's there. We're not mushy and emotional and we don't talk about mushy and emotional stuff. I'm not jealous or envious of her (okay, I do wish I was her height but that's not her fault) and I'm quite confident she's not jealous or envious of me. Except for maybe my boobs. :) It's two women that get along, have things in common and don't give a crap about the stupid stuff and it works. I suspect this friendship will be around for a long time. It's one of those kinds that just works and I don't think it would really change unless our situations changed, we moved, they moved, something like that. Would we still be friends? Sure, just maybe not the friends that hang out almost every weekend.

Oh, and I KNOW it would change if I ever started liking sports. Which, sorry Peter, is NEVER going to happen.