My Tarot Reading for 2010

I have a friend that is a professional Tarot reading. Not one of those 'for entertainment purposes only' kinds but a true honest to goodness Tarot reader. She's read my cards many times and sadly, none of them mention me getting the hot bod I've always wanted but that's okay. Probably the cards are old; you know, from a time when hot bods looked different than they do today.

She read my cards for this coming year. I found it to be interesting. I know there is some 'give' to the deciphering of the meaning surrounding what each card means but I believe she has a good handle on where they take her and it's not primarily left to her imagination.

Here's her reading: (as she said, generalized for 2010)...

First card down is the Emperor, which means a tremendous expression of will power and control.
I like this card. This card tells me I have will power and control. That makes me happy considering I've felt a total lack of both in the past year.

Crossing that is The Tower, which means the will power and control will constantly be challenged and broken down.
This card I don't like as much. I don't mind the will power and control being challenged but I could go without the whole "broken down" part of it.

The foundation is the 5 of swords, which means trying to "clean up after a battle" and get things back in place. I believe this is the restructuring of your life and yourself after processing the grief from your mother's death.
This card holds very important words for me. Restructuring of my life and myself is something I've been 'planning' to do. I say planning because I'm still trying to figure out how to get to that point. I'm working through my grief and starting to work towards wanting things again instead of simply going through the motions of life but it's a process and it takes time. Knowing that the goal is in sight is helpful.

Passing away and out of focus is the 2 of wands, which is a strong partnership. I think this might be the attachment you have to your mother's physical presence rather than her spiritual one.

When I first read this, I felt frustrated. As a matter of fact, I'm still frustrated by it. Of course I have an attachment to my mothers physical presence. I'd like to have an attachment to her spiritual one but for me, it's lost. Perhaps I will find it this coming year. Perhaps she is here with me and I'm still too far in my grief to feel her yet but the fact is, I don't. I'm hoping what my friend did not write is that this year I feel begin to feel that attachment to her physical presence become less important and that I will find her spiritual one but I'm fairly certain she won't make that type of prediction. Knowing how important this is to me, I'm sure she doesn't want to step into that arena just yet.


What is in the works to come into being is the 9 of pentacles, which is a strong, confident woman who is able to take care of herself on many levels.
I have always been a confident woman, strong through many obstacles and issues in my life and while I feel slightly weakened by the loss of my mother, I am confident I will work through this loss and feel the strength I felt before. She will help me wtih that, I'm sure.

What is in the future is the 3 of cups, which means celebration, parties, joyfulness.
I have not been much for social activities or joyfulness and can use some of that right about now so I'm going to work toward this being right!

Over the self is the High Priestess, which is a re-exploration of the spiritual self.
I don't know if there is a spiritual self for me. For years I've felt like there should be more depth, an awakening if you will, for me but I got nothin. I try and try and I end up feeling fairly superficial and boring (for lack of a better term). I am hoping that the benefit from my mother passing is that I will have a stronger relationship with God and whatever that may entail for me. I'm feeling drawn to certain things but nothing concrete enough yet to blog about. Once I figure them out, I will.

Over the environment is the Knight of wands, which is a new energy level change, feeling physically well and vibrant.
I can certainly use that. It's time. Believe me, it's time.

Over the hopes and fears is a long term, secure family.
I take this to mean that my relationship with my husband and my family is solid and for that I am grateful. I'd like to try harder this year to enjoy it more and not take him for granted. As much. :)

Over the outcome is the Star, which is finding your goal and letting it be the power that guides you along your life path.
This is something I've been working through a lot lately. Since I turned 40, actually. What is my purpose? My life goal? My passion? I've decided that my passion doesn't have to be a job, a goal or anything specific but that my passion is simply, me. I need to be passionate about me. About my life. About living my life. Experiencing it and doing what makes me happy and helps me to grow in the ways I want to grow. This is my passion and this is the goal I will continue to strive to achieve. Will it be easy? Probably not but that's okay. Living life to its fullest is never easy but it's worth the effort.

I've printed out this reading and am keeping it in my journal. Yes, I have a journal again. I used to journal, years ago but haven't felt inspired to for a long time. Part of my plan is to start journaling again and to work through my thoughts on paper - maybe I'll sleep better at night.

I'm looking forward to 2010. I have big plans for me. I hope you have big plans for yourself, too. Truth be told, there were a lot of rough times in 2009 but there were a lot of good times too. I choose to look back at the year and see the good things, not the bad. I choose to remember the time I spent with my mom and feel confident that she knew I loved her with all of my heart. I choose to relish the new friends I made and the strength that came back into some of my old friendships, too. I choose to build from those feelings and continue down a path of positivity instead of dwelling on that which I can't control.

Happy New Year.

A Spiritual Visit

Growing up in Indianapolis, I had a friend named Naseem. We were close friends through elementary school but after I moved out of state in sixth grade, the friendship dissolved. It’s hard to keep up a friendship at that age with so many miles between you but I never forgot about her and always held a special place in my heart.

Years later, I was visiting my father in Indianapolis and he was reading the obituaries. I’m not sure when he started that and thought it was strange but I now do it too and it makes sense to me. While reading them, he mentioned, in casual conversation that a friend of mine had died. Naseem is not a common name and thus easily remembered. I was shocked. This was 1987, we were 20 years old.

Naseem was in a car accident in NYC and died instantly. I hadn’t talked to my friend in years but it made me sad. Sad for her and for her family and also for me. As I said, she held a special place in my heart and her passing impacted because she was my first ‘friend’ to die.

Her memorial service was that day and I decided to go. I didn’t talk to anyone and only stayed a minute but I felt it was important to pay my respects. I remembered the good times I shared with her as a child and felt sad for the lost chance to ever rekindle that friendship.

After she passed, I started dreaming about her. Actually, I didn’t dream about her as much as she was in my dreams. She wasn’t a part of my dreams but she was there. No one in the dream saw her. She wasn’t involved in whatever was happening in the dreams either. It was as if I would step out of the dream and have a conversation with her. She always talked to me about something happening in my life at the time. Something I was struggling with. Something I needed to work through and it never once had anything to do with the dream. She was separate from it entirely. I have not had a dream with her in it for many, many years. I just figured she’d moved on or I didn’t need her anymore.

I always felt she was there as some sort of guardian angel, helping me through a tough time. After the first few dreams, I sent her mother a letter and let her know how Naseem had impacted my life as a child and continued to as a young adult. Her mother appreciated it and we kept in touch for some time. Each time I go back to Indianapolis, to this day, I make an effort to visit her final resting place. I don’t always get there but usually do so at least once a year. I don’t stay long. I simply go, say hello and acknowledge that I still think of her and move on. I’m not sure why but I do.

The holidays have been a bit tough for me this year. It’s the first without my mom and I find myself struggling to be happy, to be involved in them. I’m going through the motions but feel sort of like a zombie. They don’t really matter. I understand the feeling and realize it’s a part of the grieving process so I’m just trying to let it happen and get through it the best I can.

The other night I had this strange dream. I was at a table with a bunch of friends and Simon Cowell. Well, first it was Simon and then he became Kevin Costner. The women at the table were all interacting and talking and I was just sitting there, not really speaking, not really interacting. Sort of like I feel lately; just kind of going through the motions. Eventually everyone got up from the table, except me. I have no idea where they were going.

I just sat there for a minute and then suddenly, there’s Naseem, next to me. I couldn’t really see her clearly. She was more like a voice than an actual person but I knew it was her. She told me, clear as day, “You need to get on with your life.” I looked at ‘her’ (which was more like a fuzzy aura) and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m grieving.” She simply replied, “I understand, believe me. But you need to get on with your life.”

And then she was gone and I woke up.

I know my friend came back to me at a time when I needed someone; someone to tell me to move on and start living my life again, not just go through the motions. I would have liked to talk with her longer. Maybe ask her HOW to do that. It’s not that I’m not trying. I was making progress, going through the stages of grief but functioning and working at starting to work toward some goals again. Then the holidays came and I tried very hard to be festive. I decorated the house, I shopped for gifts, I made plans. Unfortunately it’s all just there and I feel numb to it. I’ll get through it and I know I’ll be okay but I think Naseem wanted to give me a swift kick in the ass to push myself.

I’m forever fascinated at the power of faith and I believe God uses those we love to help us through hard times or questionable circumstances in our lives. I believe Naseem is watching over many people and only comes when needed. I don’t know if I’ll see her again but those few words are weighing heavily on my heart and I’m trying to figure out a way to do what she said. Hopefully once the holidays are through, I’ll be able to.

On Forgiveness...

Last night my husband and I went to dinner with our best friends. They have been our friends since 2003 but really, the friendship kicked into high gear after that Christmas. They're good people. (Yes, Peter, I'm talking about you and your wife who never reads my blog so I won't name her!)

They make me laugh. Peter was trying to talk while sitting on his hands and couldn't do it. It's okay. No one wants him to talk without his hands. It takes away from the experience of his story, which is always humorous, even if it's not supposed to be. Really, when you hang out with Peter, it's hard to be in a bad mood. Unless his wife is. Then it's best to run screaming.

Anyway, he made mention of reading my blog in the way that he always does, just by gently acknowledging it in an casual way. He also made mention that I have mentioned other friends and not them so now I have.

Can I move on to another subject now, Peter?

Actually, after dinner, my husband and I were giggling about them, as we always do. We have rarely left a night out with them feeling crappy. Usually if we do, it's because my husband becomes mean Jack or I'm in a crappy mood - not because of them. And that works. :) We had a relationship that was just ending when we met Peter and unnamed wife that wore us down and made us feel crappy so this one is a nice change.

(Peter, notice the nice transition into the subject of my blog here, please.)

This got me thinking. I've been reading a LOT lately and read something about forgiveness. Apparently it's good for the soul and all that. I read that if you don't forgive someone or someones, it can eat away at you, make you older, sick, whatever but that apparently, it's not good to not forgive. Here's my problems with that theory:
1. What if you just don't want to forgive? If the person or people don't deserve it or if you've tried and you can't?
or
2. What if it just doesn't matter anymore and there's nothing in you that gives a rats ass about the person or people, to forgive?

See, the thing is, this couple that we were friends with...prior to really getting to know Peter and his unnamed wife... and my husband and I, had a falling out and the friendship did not end well. I was told to forgive this 'friend' for what she did to me and for awhile, I tried. I truly tried. But it didn't work.

In a nutshell, what happened was silly and immature and I have come to understand after all this time, not at all my fault. Trust me, I took blame for it for some time but realize my actions in the incident were reactions to what was happening.

I realized this friend wasn't really my friend at all and instead felt jealous and insecure. I started to see the friendship for what it was and took steps to move my life in another direction. I began getting to know people at my health club and establishing relationships with others so I wasn't tied to having just one friend, which is pretty much how it had been for five years. (this is where Peter and his unnamed wife come in.)

This friend didn't like that. She told me that she and her husband really didn't like to have a big group of friends and liked to have just one or two couples that they hung out with. Which is funny because years before she said the opposite. Whatever. I felt things were starting to change and I felt it was right for me to move forward in my life in a direction that didn't center on that relationship. I didn't shut her out. I didn't blow her off. I invited her to places with us but it just wasn't her thing and that was fine. She had always done what was best for her as an individual when it came to things in our friendship and I hadn't. It was time I did and I made that choice.

Around the same time she and I both mentioned to each other that we wanted to have some cosmetic changes made to ourselves. I had been thinking about it for some time but hadn't said anything because I didn't want to create any tension in the relationship. As I said, I felt some jealousy issues on her part (though she accused me of them, actually) and I didn't want to make things worse.

I mentioned to her that if I were to have this procedure done and she wouldn't, would she be mad at me. She said yes. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if someone has something that you want and you get mad, that's called envy and jealousy, right? Just checking.

I thought about it for some time and decided to have the procedure done and it came to be that her husband would not allow her to, even though he'd promised her she could. I felt bad but took a page from her book and did it because it felt right for me and I wanted to think of myself and my feelings for a change.

Yup, she got mad. It pushed that growing wall between us even further into the mix and I knew it would. Could I have NOT done it? Sure but I made a decision and her jealousy was hers to deal with, not mine. Besides, she also told me she would do it whether I was upset or not so I figured what the hell.

A few other things happened that drove the friendship further apart and eventually it took a final blow. I was fine with it. I had made friends and worked hard to break away from the negativity my husband and I continued to feel in their presence.

After the final blow (or what I thought was the final blow), she called my house. I didn't answer but my husband didn't know her cell number and did. Since she lived right across the street from me, I knew she knew I was home and I felt like I should answer. She wanted to meet for a drink to talk. I didn't want to do it but felt it was the right thing to do. I know now that it was not.

Prior to that I'd written her a letter telling her what I felt I had done wrong in our relationship (I'm big on closure) and held her responsible for her actions too. She wanted to talk about that. We did. She told me that I was her best friend and she did not want the friendship to end and that I meant the world to her. That she loved me and that many of the things I'd written in that letter were correct.

I took that information home, processed it and talked to my husband. He was done. He wanted nothing to do with them and while I knew in my heart, he was right, I felt like I needed to 'make sure'. I made an effort to be her friend. I spent time with her and she treated me fine. Her husband, whom I hadn't liked in a long time, was nice and even asked for my husband's help in looking at a house they were buying to make sure it didn't have any major problems. He didn't want to do it but did it because I asked him to.

They moved about two weeks later. The night they left a group of men in pick up trucks came to their house across from us (they still owned it) and started walking around it. I called her to let her know. Her daughter answered the phone and I heard my 'best friend' say in the back ground, "Tell her you don't know where I am."

And I was done. I was hurt and I was pissed. I went out of my way for this woman who claimed all this wonderful BS about how she felt about me because I thought it was the right thing to do and she yet again, stabbed me in the back. Would I ever learn? She'd moved from across the street from us and her husband, I'm sure, decided the friendship was over. Control freak that he was. And still is, I'm sure.

I never called her again. I did see her a few times along the way and ignored her. Except for once when I saw her on the street and honked and flipped her off. Clearly the forgiving thing wasn't working for me. Hey, I thought to hit her with my car but I didn't. Progress, right? She called me right after and I didn't answer. I knew there was nothing left to say and I didn't want to deal with it.

She knows what she did. She knows that she told me all of that stuff and that I made that effort for her to slap me in the face again. The thing is, I think she actually meant it. I think the friendship ended that way because her husband has a big ego and couldn't do it. I said some things about him that pissed him off (because they were true) and he couldn't forgive. Maybe he should read the stuff I read recently.

Since then, I've seen her searching for me on a few things like reunion.com and Facebook. She blocked me on Facebook which cracks me up because I would never try to friend her. I actually sent her an email on reunion.com once and said if she's that interested in my life then she should just ask me about it. I would talk to her. I wouldn't be rude to her. I wouldn't be her best friend but I wouldn't be rude. Not anymore. She just doesn't really matter anymore.

And that's where we get back to this forgiveness thing. I haven't forgiven her for what she did to me. I tried but for a long time I was hurt and angry and I couldn't. Then the hurt and anger went away. It wasn't a process of forgiveness. It was a process of "there's a lot of other stuff in my life and she's simply not important" and it just stopped mattering.

Why should I put the effort into forgiving someone when it no longer matters to me? I don't feel anger or hurt or anything toward her. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her and her family but honestly, I don't care if anything good happens either. I simply don't care anymore.

Some people might say that I still care if I'm writing about this but the fact is, when analyzing my life before the new year (which I always do), the only people I could come up with that I might need to forgive are her and her husband. Otherwise, I got nothing. And after thinking about it, I realized you have to care about a situation or a person if you want to forgive them and I simply don't. She's like that stranger at the mall who walks past you. You don't want anything bad to happen to them but they have absolutely no impact on your life whatsoever.

So is forgiveness really all it's cracked up to be? Sure, if that person is an active part of your life, I think so. I think it can eat away at you, the hurt and anger or whatever but if that person is gone and your feelings for them are gone too, there's simply nothing to forgive.

Since that friendship ended, Peter and his unnamed wife and my husband and I have become close. She and I talk daily, usually several times. We are very similar and do not have any problems in our relationship. We don't argue. I know that if I truly need someone, she's there. We're not mushy and emotional and we don't talk about mushy and emotional stuff. I'm not jealous or envious of her (okay, I do wish I was her height but that's not her fault) and I'm quite confident she's not jealous or envious of me. Except for maybe my boobs. :) It's two women that get along, have things in common and don't give a crap about the stupid stuff and it works. I suspect this friendship will be around for a long time. It's one of those kinds that just works and I don't think it would really change unless our situations changed, we moved, they moved, something like that. Would we still be friends? Sure, just maybe not the friends that hang out almost every weekend.

Oh, and I KNOW it would change if I ever started liking sports. Which, sorry Peter, is NEVER going to happen.

Music, Mayhem and Madness

My daughter is completing college application essays. I feel for her because not only does she hate to write, she's not the best at it, either. She's applying to the University of Georgia and one of the required essay questions is:

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
Victor Hugo
If someone were to look at your music collection right now, they would probably know a great deal about who you are. Individuals are drawn to music, and each song conveys something about that person. Select a musical piece to be your theme song. Tell us what it would be, and more specifically, why it represents who you are. (200 Word Limit)

I would write it for her but I don't know much about the music she listens to and therefore can't even pick a song. Actually, between you and me, I don't want to write it anyway!

It did, however, get me thinking about music. I love music. Since I was a little girl, it's always been a part of my life. I remember sitting in my childhood living room listening to "A Hole in the Bucket" and "Sweet Caroline" while eating Malted Milk Balls and drinking Dr. Pepper with my dad.

Songs bring back memories and feelings and take me back in time. They remind me of friends, of situations and events; some good and some well, not so much.

I'm not sure though, if there is a song that defines me. I think that's a hard essay to write. There are songs that relate to times in my life but I don't think I can pick just one song as my theme. There are simply too many me's to consider.

There's the mom-me. She loves "Can't Touch This" because my son dances to it as a bribe to get Dairy Queen. He doesn't know I'm usually planning to get it for him anyway and I'm not going to tell him because I love to see him dance!

There's the misses my mom-me. I can barely listen to Faith Hill's "There You'll Be" without bursting into tears.

There's the wife-me who loves basically every cheesy love song out there and thinks about her husband during each of them.

Then I've got the 7th and 8th Grade Carolyn who loves Air Supply and REO Speedwagon's "Time for Me to Fly". The single woman who thinks BoDeans rule. This one also ties to a friend who went to virtually every BoDeans concert with me. There's my spin class songs that make me want to exercise and 80's music that makes me feel like a high school kid again.

There are just too many songs to define who I am at any given moment. What I can define though, is what music does for me. It inspires me. It releases me. It brings out feelings in me, some I like and some that just need to be released. It makes me happy. Motivates me. Annoys me. Sticks in my head until I can't stand it anymore and gets lost in time with barely a verse remembered.

Music helps me get through hard times. It makes the fun times more fun. It brightens my mood. It makes me dance (mostly by myself because I am not a good dancer!).

I'm not sure how my daughter plans to write this essay but I hope she finds a song to help her through it.