Regaining Focus

The past few days haven't been easy. I've been cranky and frustrated about things that really shouldn't be that important but are.

My husband recently purchased a Harley - he loves it. It's a stress reliever for him and I'm thankful he's got it. He works hard. He's bearing a lot of weight on his shoulders and while they're strong and well defined, it can't be easy. He needs the stress relief. My biggest reliever of stress is music. It's always been important to me. It's always helped me through tough times, sad times, happy times, physically taxing times, most times. I find meaning in the words, motivation, relaxation, inspiration and many other 'ations' in the melody. Music relaxes me like the Harley relaxes my husband. So when my iTouch disappeared last week let's just say devastated doesn't describe my feeling.

If you know me, you know I'm fairly anal retentive. Most of my house is organized and I usually know where something is all of the time. My kids will ask me where their 'whatever' is and I can usually tell them the exact spot. With my iTouch, it has most always been in my hand throughout the day so I was never concerned with its location. The other night however, I couldn't sleep and walked through the house in a daze so I'm worried I put it somewhere and can't figure out where.

I've searched and upturned the house for days looking for the darn thing and it's nowhere. I could get another one, replace most of the music and was thankful to know that iTunes would replace the music I had yet to download to my pc but that wasn't helpful. It's still gone and it's still driving me crazy that I misplaced it when it's been so important to me for so long now.

My husband didn't understand it. Music to him is background noise. It has no meaning. I can see why he feels that way but I grew up listening to music with my father and because it was so important to him, it became important to me, too. It soothes me. It keeps me grounded...keeps me focused. It's my Harley, if you will.

I am currently using my husband's old iPhone, so at least I have my music, if not my iTouch. One day it will show up. I hope.

Knowing all of that now, it's important to understand I was one crank-ass b---- for the past few days. The lost music, the lost iTouch, the PMS, it all called upon the monster within and she showed herself but good! I thank God for my family and their ability to be patient and understanding. I was on the verge of tears for practically 48 hours. It was not pretty.

Through this whole frustration, I had a few friends who needed me. I'm always surprised at that. I often feel unstable and a total mess and it shocks me when others see me as strong and reliable. It's almost laughable to me at times. I feel like I'm crumbling to pieces yet others think I know what the heck I'm talking about. Maybe I do because they seem to keep coming around. That's got to mean something right?

My friends help me keep focused and grounded. I realize that the parents of a troubled child, who are struggling with how to handle things are so much more important then losing my iTouch and I feel silly for getting all worked up about it. I need that perspective at times. Mostly because I have to be reminded it's not all about me, all of the time. Sometimes I'd sure like it to be though. Hey, at least I'm honest, right?