I must admit, I am so glad to see 2009 end. The year went by quickly, for which I am thankful but it was nothing short of rough. My mom was diagnosed in February and gone in June. My husband lost his job a few weeks before she passed. I gained 15 lbs from the stress of it all (15 of which I still have yet to lose, by the way) and things just generally sucked. The stress was overwhelming at times. My husband is wonderful but there's only so much each of us can handle and we spent more time bickering than normal. Thankfully we're solid, even though we do, at times, drive each other crazy.
I have lived by the theory, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger" so if I consider last year, I'm a freaking powerhouse now.
I have always made resolutions and never really kept any of them. In an effort to feel successful, I've still made resolutions but I've made ones I'm confident I can keep. In light of the new year, I've decided to give up drinking, drugs and smoking.
It's amazing how easy it is to give up something I don't do! Instant success!
Okay, seriously, I have decided not to have any 'resolutions' this year but to effectively work towards making my life and my self, better. I don't look at it as having resolutions because I believe that to be a trigger word for failure. Instead, I'm doing what I should be doing but focusing more on it than I may have had the opportunity to in the past.
Because last year was so stressful, my husband and I, as I mentioned, bickered often. He is very involved in this business he's started and I am working hard to be supportive. I get that he's busy and I get that he's a control freak. We made a decision that he would 'opt out' of the daily decisions around the house to focus his time working. It was a mutual thing however he continued to forget that each time he didn't like a decision I made. Frankly, that really pisses me off. It caused some stupid, senseless arguments that didn't get resolved and I was starting to feel a bit resentful. We talked it through recently and while there's still no answer, I do feel better about it. I'm working on figuring out a way to handle his at-will participation. Maybe he'll get bored and move on to something else. One can hope.
I've decided that this year, I really have to focus on me. I spend so much time family-focused that I tend to neglect myself. Which is why I feel pretty crappy a lot of the time. There are several things I've wanted to do. Half-started projects that never seem to get completed because guilt sets in or something more important comes up. This year, I plan to finish them. My books are something I'm going to really focus on. I'm hoping to have them out to publishers by August. It's a long process but I will eventually get it done. Once I give up the perfectionist issues attached to them, that is.
Many other Carolyn-centered things come to mind but I'm not going to detail them. I've learned that talking is pointless when it comes to this stuff. It's the doing that counts and I'm ready for the doing. It's time to start living life again, not sitting on the sidelines feeling empty without a mom, or frustrated because I do everything for everyone else and rarely get a thank you (though I get a boatload of eye rolls, that's for sure!)
It's my year and I'm looking forward to it.
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