I Am Me but Me is Them, too (and other stuff)

It's official. I've become my parents. I'm really not sure when it happened, either. It's not like one day I woke up with their perspective on life, speaking their parental words like, "This is not a democracy" and "Because I said so." It's more like a stalker-style transition. The changes slowly creeped up on me and watched my every move, just waiting for the right time to strike and set in, shaping me into...into, well...them.

Today I drove around the metro Atlanta area (something I don't do often), listening to the local top 40 radio station. I love music. My kind of music, that is. As I drove around town (lost, part of the time but that's a different blog post entirely), I found myself saying, OUT LOUD, "Who makes this crap? They call this music? This isn't music!" And then I actually felt myself doing the eye roll. You know the one...the one we used to give our parents when they said things we thought were entirely stupid. Things like, "This isn't music. These people can't even sing!"

And then I knew. I knew it had really happened. I've excused myself repeatedly, saying I am not becoming my parents but that I have kids and many of the attributes I now share with them are a factor of birthing babies but the truth is, I have become my parents. How do I know? Because I made the comment about the music TO MYSELF. So yes, not only was I talking to myself, like most parents seem to do but I was making a parental comment to myself.

Please. Help. Me.

I may have mentioned my daughter a time or two and her not-so-well-liked boyfriend. This is again proof that I am my parents. I've lost absolutely all patience for this relationship because God love her (and so do I), my daughter is being swindled into a relationship that isn't at all what she thinks it is. Yes, she'll have to figure this out for herself and hopefully one day she will but in the mean time, I find myself wanting to shake her and say, "What! Are you an idiot! The guy doesn't give a shit about you! Get over it!" Instead, I usually say things like, "In five years this boy will mean nothing to you blah...blah...blah..." Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad.

Enough of that. I could talk about it for hours. Let's move on.

Today I met up with an old friend, someone I hadn't seen in years. Of course she looked the same and by the way, had really great eyeliner. I need green eyes so I can wear that color. Oh, sorry. Tangent. Anyway, she's a working professional and by that I do not mean prostitute but a business professional compared to me, which of course, I am not a professional at anything right now. Anyway, it was great to see her but afterward, I needed a nap. She is involved in EVERYTHING doing EVERYTHING and just listening to all she is doing made me tired. I'm pretty sure she doesn't sleep. Some people don't need it and she must be one of them.

She's that woman that knows what she wants and makes it happen. I'm that woman that still can't figure out what I want. I have that book, "The Success Principles". It's about finding your life purpose and then in 39 chapters of the book and boatloads of hard work, presto! You're a success!

I however, could not get past chapter one. In chapter one you have to define your life's purpose. THAT'S WHAT I BOUGHT THE DAMN BOOK FOR!

If I could figure THAT out, then I could work toward it and likely be successful. Once I commit to something, I'm good. It's the finding something to commit to that I'm struggling with right now.

Either way, she inspired me. Maybe a little of her energy and excitement for life has rubbed off on me and I can figure out my passion.

I have several opportunities for passion, really. I love to write. I've got books in the works and one even out scooping out publishers. I had a literary agent but he was a sham so I opted out of that contract. I've started looking for others and yesterday spent the day with my head in a book of them and for publishers that have published books similar to mine. If you are a publisher, pick me. Pick me.

The problem with writing is that I am a perfectionist. I can't just write and let the words flow like music from a violin. Instead, I re-read and re-read and re-write and re-write and I can't get past page 50 in my worlds greatest novel. My goal this month is to get past it without re-reading it and just moving forward with the story. The time to re-write is in the editing stage. Wish me luck. The concept is good and I think I can make something out of the story but I have to finish it to make that happen.

Hmm...I'm starting to feel like now is a good time to work on it. So, here I go!

Out With the Old...In With the New?

I must admit, I am so glad to see 2009 end. The year went by quickly, for which I am thankful but it was nothing short of rough. My mom was diagnosed in February and gone in June. My husband lost his job a few weeks before she passed. I gained 15 lbs from the stress of it all (15 of which I still have yet to lose, by the way) and things just generally sucked. The stress was overwhelming at times. My husband is wonderful but there's only so much each of us can handle and we spent more time bickering than normal. Thankfully we're solid, even though we do, at times, drive each other crazy.

I have lived by the theory, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger" so if I consider last year, I'm a freaking powerhouse now.

I have always made resolutions and never really kept any of them. In an effort to feel successful, I've still made resolutions but I've made ones I'm confident I can keep. In light of the new year, I've decided to give up drinking, drugs and smoking.

It's amazing how easy it is to give up something I don't do! Instant success!

Okay, seriously, I have decided not to have any 'resolutions' this year but to effectively work towards making my life and my self, better. I don't look at it as having resolutions because I believe that to be a trigger word for failure. Instead, I'm doing what I should be doing but focusing more on it than I may have had the opportunity to in the past.

Because last year was so stressful, my husband and I, as I mentioned, bickered often. He is very involved in this business he's started and I am working hard to be supportive. I get that he's busy and I get that he's a control freak. We made a decision that he would 'opt out' of the daily decisions around the house to focus his time working. It was a mutual thing however he continued to forget that each time he didn't like a decision I made. Frankly, that really pisses me off. It caused some stupid, senseless arguments that didn't get resolved and I was starting to feel a bit resentful. We talked it through recently and while there's still no answer, I do feel better about it. I'm working on figuring out a way to handle his at-will participation. Maybe he'll get bored and move on to something else. One can hope.

I've decided that this year, I really have to focus on me. I spend so much time family-focused that I tend to neglect myself. Which is why I feel pretty crappy a lot of the time. There are several things I've wanted to do. Half-started projects that never seem to get completed because guilt sets in or something more important comes up. This year, I plan to finish them. My books are something I'm going to really focus on. I'm hoping to have them out to publishers by August. It's a long process but I will eventually get it done. Once I give up the perfectionist issues attached to them, that is.

Many other Carolyn-centered things come to mind but I'm not going to detail them. I've learned that talking is pointless when it comes to this stuff. It's the doing that counts and I'm ready for the doing. It's time to start living life again, not sitting on the sidelines feeling empty without a mom, or frustrated because I do everything for everyone else and rarely get a thank you (though I get a boatload of eye rolls, that's for sure!)

It's my year and I'm looking forward to it.

I Want to Age Like Meryl Streep

Went to see "It's Complicated" again yesterday with my friend. Once you get past the fact that Alec Baldwin is old, it's a great flick. What's sad about it though, is I can easily relate to how the character Meryl Streep plays feels about herself.

She's aging, she's finally comfortable with herself, she's a bit afraid to show herself naked in daylight. She wants to take life a little less seriously and she is ready to do things for herself. Well, she's already started that but that's because the character is divorced. I'm not so that part I can't quite relate to.

Her ex-husband is remarried to a rather young, physically fit (but not all that hot, if you ask me) woman and it's still quite shocking to MS's character. I'm curious when I started siding with the older woman and didn't feel some sort of connection to the younger one?

WHAT'S HAPPENED? When did I age and why didn't anyone tell me?

I haven't really ever been a fan of Meryl. I never disliked her. She was just always that older woman in a whole bunch of movies. Some I saw, some I didn't. But watching her in this and in Julie & Julia recently, I've really comet to enjoy her.

She doesn't seem to have given into the pressure for plastic surgery and while she's not some extremely fit, wrinkle free woman, she's aging beautifully and has the class of a queen. She talks wonderfully, carries herself well and radiates confidence.

That's what I want to be next year, when I'm 'older'.