Up and Running (I hope!)

Things are sort of almost starting to get back to normal for me. I'm not quite sure what that means except that I'm beginning to feel like myself again so I figure that's got to be a good thing, right?

After my mom passed, I couldn't eat much. I lost a few pounds and sent a special thank you to my mom in Heaven. I'd told her that if the ending of a dating relationship could cause me to lose weight, certainly she could take a few pounds of mine with her went she passed. We laughed and smiled because she knew me well and knows how much I identify myself with my appearance.

The weight loss lasted a few days and then suddenly I found I was packing it on, by the minute it seemed. Daily I look up to Heaven and speak softly to my mom, saying things like, "CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? COME ON ALREADY! WTF?" As always, she's probably just ignoring me.

It's medically proven that stress causes weight gain. Death of a parent certainly qualifies as a stress. Sitting on my butt for two months barely doing anything but breathe and eat because of that stress and the weight started piling on. I'm not fat. I'm actually not even 'over weight' (depending on what charts you view as correct) but I am unhappy with myself and unable to fit into my clothes.

I've struggled with my weight all of my life. Born half Italian, (the bottom half of me mostly) and German, I'm short and like to eat. Oh, and stubborn. So fixing this issue has not always been easy for me. Up until recently I really didn't struggle. I could eat whatever I wanted and exercise and then the weight would magically disappear. Then I hit 40 and that stopped. My metabolism took a dive and instead of losing weight, I gain, gain and gain. I workout. I gain. I cut my calories. I gain. I breathe. I gain. It's a vicious cycle of frustration and motivation and I haven't been able to figure out a solution.

I've not been writing down what I eat lately. Truthfully, I think I'm scared to. Maybe I'm better not knowing? Really then I have no right to complain. I have just found myself feeling that I deserve to eat what I want when I want it and I have a sorry addiction to Starbucks mochas. I can find any reason in the book to eat what I want and then I suffer the consequences and berate myself for it later. Is that the way to live?

Women all over the world, most bigger than me, commit to eating healthy and losing weight and THEY DO IT. What's my problem? What happened to my motivation? I was once a certified personal trainer. I KNOW what to do. I just choose not to do it and instead look for reasons outside of reality as to why it happens. I'm really starting to piss me off.

I've succumbed to Atkins, Zone, South Beach...you name it. Except the maple syrup thing. That's even too nasty for me. All of them work for a bit and then I gain the weight (and the dreaded more that everyone else talks about) back. Then I get frustrated and eat to make myself feel better. Obviously that's working for me, huh?

It's a matter of motivation. Where is mine? If someone who eats 5,000 calories a day can commit to eating 2,000 and do it, why can't I commit to eating fewer calories?

I have no more excuses. I've decided to try an eating plan (notice the choice of words here) for 21 days. If this plan, which is not easy and does not include any yummy things like chocolate, mochas or Mexican food, doesn't do what it's supposed to, then it's back to the doctor for a plethora of tests to see if something truly is wrong.

This new eating plan is Oxygen Mag's "Lose 10 lbs in 21 days". It was in their spring issue and I've read a lot of great things about it. So today was my first day.

I had a banana protein smoothie for breakfast. I did NOT have a mocha (though I did go to Starbucks and talk to a friend). For my snack, I had an apple. For lunch I had tuna, 1/2 cup of Jasmine rice and some lovely sauteed zucchini. I usually eat mine friend. I did travel off of the plan a bit - added olive oil to my zucchini (only because I don't know how to cook it so I just sauteed it) and I added 1 T of mayo (reduced fat) to the tuna. Everything can be tweaked, right?

So we'll see where this takes me. On September 30th I will weigh myself and see if I've lost weight. If I have, great. If not, then we'll set that doctors appt. I'm going to work very, very hard at not cheating and doing the right thing FOR ME because I deserve it. It's really just time to get over the excuses.