My workouts have suffered this week and I find when that happens, I eat things I don't want. It's an energy issue. I don't work out and my energy tanks so I crave the crappy carbs to increase my energy. Sometimes I fall victim to it and sometimes I don't. It's a constant mind game but in general, I'm winning.
I gave up the processed carbs and sugars for about 2 months and then decided to start adding some back in so I didn't feel so restricted and to test my self control. Everything in moderation, right? Maybe. For some people, I suspect that works. For me, not so much. I started to feel myself falling back into the same sugar addicted pattern I was in for years and I can't do that. I guess I'm more of an all or nothing kind of gal when it comes to this stuff.
It's not the sweets I struggle to control, which is truly a shock to me. It's the breads. Mostly the tortilla chips and tortillas themselves. I am a Mexican food addict. Is there a 12 step program for that? I wish. If so, I'd join. So what I've been doing is allowing myself these treats, mostly on the weekends when my husband is home and we go out to eat. I have, this week, tried to add a few treats now and then and I've watched the scale shift (also a bad work out week) and I've watched what the food has done to my body. And it's not been good.
First I had some tortillas and chips. After eating those, I was bloated and gassy (yes, it's my blog and I can share whatever I want, not that anyone reads this away) and felt generally miserable. My pants were a little more snug in the waist than I like and I felt sluggish. It was worth it. The problem is, when I'm in the midst of mentally craving that stuff and I'm with my husband at my favorite restaurant, I forget how I feel afterward. I have to work on that. Hopefully I will remember the miserable feeling this weekend when we, I'm almost certain, go out on the bike and end up at our favorite place.
Secondly, I decided in the event that I wanted something sweet, I would have a sugar-free pudding. Oh. My. God. Yes, I know that sorbital can act as a laxative but I didn't think that one small pudding cup would send my digestive tract into a tailspin of excretion. Hello! About an hour after I ate it, I was running, cheeks squeezed shut, to the bathroom, which suddenly seemed miles away. Never again. I may be stupid but I'm not dumb and I will not suffer through that experience again for a cup of pudding.
Yesterday I had a glorious hamburger with a kaiser roll, some fabulous fries and an ice cream cone. I felt bloated and nasty afterward and couldn't eat the rest of the day (it was about 1:00 when I ate it) because there was just no room anywhere in my body (therefore, I'm sure it settled in my butt and thighs). Today I woke up with a massive stomachache and even a headache and I'm now convinced I have some sort of food allergy to something I ate. I'm considering trying the burger again without the ice cream to see how it impacts me and then the ice cream without the burger. Maybe then I'll know which one it was that bothered me or maybe it will end up being the combination. The problem is, I'm not all that interested in feeling this way again. The problem, again, is to remember this feeling when my mind tricks me into thinking I want the yummies again. It's not worth it but I'm not sure I'll remember that.
I have spent the last two years (and really, several years before that) wishing, hoping and praying that God would help me to eat better. As I once heard, when you pray for something, God doesn't 'give' it to you, he gives you opportunities to do what it is you're praying for. For example, when you pray for patience, He doesn't give you patience, he gives you OPPORTUNITIES to be patient. I've never liked that theory but looking back, I can see how He has done that for me with my eating. Now I'm finally 'getting the hints' and moving in the right direction.
I'm still experimenting with what works in my body and what doesn't and I know it's going to be a long, probably never-ending road to travel. That's okay. I have a long way to go. I need to eat more veggies. I need to learn how to cook more veggies and then I'll eat them. It's all an experimental process and I'm moving forward with it.
I also need to push through the crappy feeling and work out when I don't quite want to, which has been a problem for me as of late. I suspect the food making me feel crappy is contributing to the lack of desire to work out. When I don't feel good, the last thing I want to do is exert myself but I know that when I exert myself, I feel better. It's a vicious mind game for me.
Progress is good and I'm progressing. I looked at a pair of pants I barely fit into last summer and compared them to a pair of pants I hadn't been able to wear in two years and can now.
The size difference is huge. It makes me happy to know my 'old' wardrobe in 'new' again. It's amazing what a few pairs of slimmer jeans can do for the self esteem. I'm remembering that feeling when I feel crappy, reminding myself that aside from the health benefits, the more obvious appearance benefits are well worth the struggle.
