It's 4:25 AM and I have been up for over an hour. I've not done this in a few weeks so I shouldn't complain but I am anyway. Usually when it happens once, it goes on for several days and makes me (and everyone else around me) miserable. I'm no fun miserable.
The last month hasn't been the easiest. I've been doing well since my mother passed away; thinking that there were rough days but generally, the grieving process wasn't that bad. (Except the weight gain. That's been terrible.)But recently I started to feel differently. In the past month I've started to feel more anxious and maybe a little lost. I haven't been able to define it but it's been there. I felt myself diving deeper into my private, personal space and letting fewer and fewer people in. I so rarely talk about what I'm really feeling I'm not sure anyone noticed but I did. I didn't feel right.
I haven't wanted to do much of anything; doing what's necessary to get by and ignoring the rest. This isn't a way to live and the other day that finally hit me. I'm off kilter and need to find that balance again but until that moment, it felt like the road back was very long and I didn't feel like taking the drive.
I had a slightly major anxiety attack and realized it was time to do something about it. Just acknowledging the fact that something didn't feel right made me feel worlds better. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though in the throws of my anxiety attack I did. I think, what's happening is I'm actually feeling my grief more now than in the beginning. Life has continued but missing a very important part that was always there and learning to live without that very important part is tough.
Today I opened a letter from the funeral home. The letter said that at the sixth month after a loved one has passed, the grieving process becomes harder. It's called "acute grief". One feels lost, feels more depth to their grief and doesn't understand because they thought they were doing better.
Couldn't they have told me this a few months ago? It would have made the last month easier and completely understandable.
Instead, I thought I was losing my mind.
So now my challenge is to work through it and start moving my life forward again instead of living in what I consider to be my limited life. I've postponed my goals long enough. It's time to work towards them and move forward, like my mom would want me to do.
Hopefully I can get some sleep first and start when 'real' morning comes. Not this crazy, earlier than when God wakes up time.
